LATEST ARTICLES

Hacked! Melania and Stormy’s secret email chat

Anonymous has hacked an encrypted email account used by Melania Trump, who began reaching out to Stormy Daniels this past summer, including this exchange...

Pentagon’s new TEARS dept. to manage collateral damage fallout

WASHINGTON: To better manage collateral damage remediation in overseas operations, the Pentagon has created a new Tactical Empathy And Regret Service (TEARS), to be...

All 9/11 “anomalies” accounted for: Earth entered transient Black Hole

WASHINGTON: The National Institute for Standards in Truth (NIST) issued the final update of its 9/11 investigation today, announcing that all anomalies troubling 9/11...

Hillary’s deadly 2020 campaign strategy leaked

WASHINGTON: A disgruntled staffer working on Hillary’s 2020 Campaign says “she’s definitely running again,” but he’s worried about the new campaign theme: Nuke Putin! “She’s...

First successful brain transplant: The banker in the Bronx bro’

NEW YORK: A secretive surgical team at New York’s Mt. Sinai hospital announced the first successful brain transplant today. Kept under wraps until the...

U.S. slaps sanctions on entire world

WASHINGTON: Frustrated with the tedious, piecemeal approach to enforcing American will abroad, the House and Senate have approved a sweeping bill imposing sanctions against...

John Bolton and Max Boot hospitalized after D.C. bar fracas

WASHINGTON: After a grueling day of American Enterprise Institute sessions, John Bolton and Max Boot retired to a bar in D.C.’s Adams Morgan area...

Faulty F-35 jet smashes Eiffel Tower

WASHINGTON: Diplomatic shockwaves rebound after a haywire F-35 flown by the French air force crashed into the Eiffel Tower on Tuesday. The pilot was on...

Sanders and Ocasio-Cortez on ice in Raleigh slammer

RALEIGH, NC: Bernie Sanders and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez are cooling it in a Raleigh, North Carolina jail after trying to enter a Democratic Party “pre-convention” strategy...

Second Coming fail: Jesus wounded by Space Force satellite

Heeding the prayers of a Southern Baptist church worried about the new nuclear arms race, Jesus Christ expedited his return to Earth 48 hours...

Growing Greatness: Is Trump a largemouth bass?

OP-ED: Wendy and I took off over the weekend for some fishing in Grapevine Lake. The 100+ temperatures damn near fried us in our...

Chris Christie turns tables on giant python that swallowed him

TRENTON, NJ: Chris Christie was swallowed whole by a giant python over the weekend, but managed to self-rescue for poetic comeuppance. The former New Jersey...

Scott Pruitt still stuck in LaBrea tar pit

LOS ANGELES: Recently resigned EPA chief Scott Pruitt is still marooned in the LaBrea tar pits after three days perched on the roof of...

Man’s funeral goes horribly wrong after live phone message

DAYTON, OH: A prominent local businessman’s funeral was all but canceled by a disturbing phone message during his service on Sunday. Gerald Hornfetter, owner...

Occam’s razor found, bloody as hell

LONDON: Workers repairing Guildford Castle have discovered an actual razor used by William of Occam — only not for the purposes he is widely...

Op-Ed: Build the Great Wall of America!

R. Gordon Dalrymple By nature I am not a fearful man. Once on a camping trip in Wyoming, I stared down a bobcat intent on...

Trump’s treason: pillory or the stake?

R. Gordon Dalrymple OP-ED: The Washington Toast proudly echoes the furious chorus of condemnation over our treasonous president’s recent confab with Vlad the Democracy Impaler....

Texas teacher fired for soccer torture

DALLAS: A Texas elementary school teacher has been fired after forcing her students to watch an excruciatingly dull soccer match in its entirety. Marilyn Kreggs,...

High-wire walker falls after answering phone

SAN ANTONIO: Jordon Wallenda, of the famous stunt clan the Flying Wallendas, was seriously injured yesterday after answering his phone while attempting a high-wire...

CIA identifies Putin at Democratic National Convention

WASHINGTON: The CIA has revealed bombshell proof that Vladimir Putin personally infiltrated the Democratic National Convention to destroy the candidacy of Hillary Clinton. "We...

Stoking global warming, Russia plans to win the apocalypse

WASHINGTON: A secret report by all 17 U.S. intelligence agencies concludes that Vladimir Putin has been fueling global warming to make the Russia the...

NSA records Trump-Kim gay summit romp

WASHINGTON: President Trump and Kim Jong Un’s recent bromance in Singapore went far deeper than the world knows, the NSA revealed today in a...

19 die in human avalanche on Everest

KATHMANDU: The annual death toll on Mt. Everest took a freakish twist yesterday after a brawl broke out in the long queue before the...

Crisis counselor fired after nearly killing Jeff Sessions

MOBILE: Attorney General Jeff Sessions came perilously close to losing his life last Sunday after calling the National Suicide Prevention Hotline for help. “Rather...

Judge approves Pentagon-NY Times-WaPost merger

WASHINGTON: After a contentious trial, a federal judge has approved the Washington Post and New York Times’ merger with the Dept. of Defense. Judge...

Hush-hush SETI signal “probably apocalyptic”

BOSTON: A maverick scientist participating in the SETI (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence) program has broken his silence about an alarming ET signal suppressed by...

JFK “Magic Bullet” missing from National Archives

WASHINGTON: A conspiracy theorist researching the JFK assassination was astounded to learn that the National Archives has lost the infamous “Magic Bullet” that wounded...

Bin Laden’s skull found in Gulf of Oman

PARIS: A French submarine repairing a sea-bed communications cable linking Oman and Pakistan stumbled upon a grisly find last week — the decayed head...

Tom Hanks on Mt. Rushmore?

LOS ANGELES: Winning two Best Actor Oscars, a slew of other awards and being cherished as one of America’s best-loved actors over the past...