The Washington Toast

NEW YORK: The FBI has released a preliminary report on the sudden death of Jeffrey Epstein in the Metropolitan Correctional Center Saturday morning, concluding...

ALBUQUERQUE, NM: The Democratic National Committee has unilaterally declared a new national holiday, Dia de los Muellertos, to be celebrated every July 24th on...

Following a public spat between their CEOs, Boeing and Lockheed-Martin will face off in a marathon endurance contest billed as the American Air Derby...

TAMPA, FL: A 7-month-old toddler is safe tonight after nearly being swallowed by a 12-ft. alligator, but the child’s naked trans rescuer lost her...

DAYTON, OH: A terminally ill USAF officer has revealed a long sequestered find from the Roswell UFO crash in 1947: allegedly a survey report...

CHAPPAQUA, NY: Rocked by the spotlight on his 26 documented trips aboard billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein’s private “Lolita Express” jet, Bill Clinton held a...

by Ferdinand Burton I was gasping for breath when the llama gobsmacked me again. Llamas are notorious spitters, and this one had taken a marked...

LAREDO, TX: Nancy Pelosi boldy deployed on the front lines of the immigration non-crisis this morning, personally manning a “Spark of Divinity” taco stand...

MOSCOW: The dramatic hijacking of Air Force One en route to Moscow has been resolved, enabling President Trump to spend his first full day...

The music industry has been rocked by the revelation that 92% of hip-hop songs in the last five years have used the exact same...

by Ferdinand Burton It was the 28th day of her ordeal — hopelessly lost in the rugged terrain of North Cascades National Park— and Cynthia...

by Harlin Dongbetter A school district in Texas has begun a radical new program to deter school shooters, called FIRE — Firearm Imminent Rescue and...

FRANKFORT, KY: Two-time mega-lottery winner and high-school dropout Delmar Wellsbach, a former roofer and hunting guide from Kentucky, has entered the crowded race for...

           

By Wendy Dimpleman Last weekend, I attended the annual AGAA awards (American Graphic Arts Association) in New York, where some of the nation’s best new...

WASHINGTON: All citizens and residents of Russian national or ethnic origin in America will be required to wear a patch bearing the hammer-and-sickle icon...

WASHINGTON: Tthe entire U.S. State Dept. will be moved to Jerusalem, following the American-Israeli embassy's relocation there in 2018, the Trump administration announced today. ...

Anonymous has hacked an encrypted email account used by Melania Trump, who began reaching out to Stormy Daniels this past summer, including this exchange...

WASHINGTON: To better manage collateral damage remediation in overseas operations, the Pentagon has created a new Tactical Empathy And Regret Service (TEARS), to be...

WASHINGTON: The National Institute for Standards in Truth (NIST) issued the final update of its 9/11 investigation today, announcing that all anomalies troubling 9/11...

WASHINGTON: A disgruntled staffer working on Hillary’s 2020 Campaign says “she’s definitely running again,” but he’s worried about the new campaign theme: Nuke Putin! “She’s...

NEW YORK: A secretive surgical team at New York’s Mt. Sinai hospital announced the first successful brain transplant today. Kept under wraps until the...

WASHINGTON: Frustrated with the tedious, piecemeal approach to enforcing American will abroad, the House and Senate have approved a sweeping bill imposing sanctions against...

WASHINGTON: After a grueling day of American Enterprise Institute sessions, John Bolton and Max Boot retired to a bar in D.C.’s Adams Morgan area...

WASHINGTON: Diplomatic shockwaves rebound after a haywire F-35 flown by the French air force crashed into the Eiffel Tower on Tuesday. The pilot was on...

RALEIGH, NC: Bernie Sanders and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez are cooling it in a Raleigh, North Carolina jail after trying to enter a Democratic Party “pre-convention” strategy...

Heeding the prayers of a Southern Baptist church worried about the new nuclear arms race, Jesus Christ expedited his return to Earth 48 hours...