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Crisis in the Andes: the endangered Mummy Tardigrade
by Ferdinand Burton
I was gasping for breath when the llama gobsmacked me again. Llamas are notorious spitters, and this one had taken a marked...
Scott Pruitt still stuck in LaBrea tar pit
LOS ANGELES: Recently resigned EPA chief Scott Pruitt is still marooned in the LaBrea tar pits after three days perched on the roof of...
Nancy Pelosi mans taco stand on Tex-Mex border
LAREDO, TX: Nancy Pelosi boldy deployed on the front lines of the immigration non-crisis this morning, personally manning a “Spark of Divinity” taco stand...
Texas teacher fired for soccer torture
DALLAS: A Texas elementary school teacher has been fired after forcing her students to watch an excruciatingly dull soccer match in its entirety.
Marilyn Kreggs,...
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LATEST ARTICLES
Jupiter-Saturn conjunction: Behold the woeful future!
by R. Gordon Dalrymple
Monday, December 14, marked an alignment of auguries unprecedented in human history (I think): as the Electoral College voted to decide...
Fourth monolith appears in U.S. Capitol building
Ratcheting up the mystery of strange monoliths appearing in Utah, Romania and California recently, a fourth monolith was discovered standing in the nation’s Capitol...
My diagnosis: Bipolitical Disorder with a pharmaceutical deficiency
by Wendy Dimpleman
After returning from a five-day solo road/hiking trip in the lovely, wireless-less canyonlands of Utah last week, my relatives conspired to stage...
Man awakening from 20-yr. coma relapses after viewing news video
Ft. Lauderdale CPA Harold Danforth survived a near-fatal car crash on November 24, 2000 before lapsing into a vegetative coma for the next 20...
White Athletes Matter protests rock NFL, NBA
It started when Richard Haalgerd, a third-string point guard for the Milwaukee Bucks, kneeled and raised a clenched fist during the National Anthem before...
Schism! Trump to build duplicate White House at Mar-A-Lago
In what some historians see as an American replay of the Great Schism that split Christianity between Roman and Byzantine popes, Donald Trump will...
Gwenyth Paltrow launches WOOP for White transracials
The Oscar-winning actress and beauty/wellness maven will expand her GOOP line with WOOP for white transracials — Caucasians transitioning to African-American for now, but...
Op-ed: Election 2020: Don your dung slickers
by R. Gordon Dalrymple
As my wife Wendy’s graphic above so pointedly communicates, the dung is about to hit the chopper blades after November 3rd,...
The new gender religion
by Wendy Dimpleman
Geraldine Garza is proudly pregnant, despite not having a womb or any of the plumbing usually necessary to spawn a child. He...
Hours of video soon to equal age of Universe: Is the...
Planet Earth may reach a catastrophic tipping point soon, but it has nothing to do with climate change, according to Hungarian professor of astrophysics...
The Scarlet Letter: Chef fired over “outrageously racist” soup recipe
BELLINGHAM, WA: An award-wining chef has been fired from his job at a 4-star restaurant and dismissed from hosting a popular local TV cooking...
Dirty Robocop: Boston Dynamics suspends AtlasBlue program
Boston Dynamics announced today that its experimental robotic police force in Ft. Wayne, Indiana has been suspended due to “operational failures.”
The test program deployed...
White male says minorities should only ride beasts of burden
A white male resident of Little Rock, Arkansas has sparked a storm of Twitter condemnation after proposing that racial minorities should not convey themselves...
Joe Biden found wandering naked near home
WILMINGTON, DE: Joe Biden finally made an appearance from his long seclusion last night, but not one his campaign is celebrating. Police responding to...
Conway donnybrook: mutual assault charges filed
WASHINGTON, D.C.: Police have taken George and Kellyanne Conway into protective custody after responding to another domestic disturbance call at the D.C. power couple’s...
Antifa interview: Disband the Blue!
by Harlin Dongbetter
It was another sweltering, Venus-like day in humid Austin, portending another Long Hot Summer, I thought, as hundreds of George Floyd marchers...
Op-ed: The Deep State fangs of Remdesivir
R. Gordon Dalrymple
Here in the palatial editorial penthouse offices of the Toast, ennui and consternation have reigned — fatigue with coronavirus and the infoglut...
New study: Trump better than baboon
DARTMOUTH: A new study by the University of Massachusetts has determined that President Trump scores far worse on intelligence and literacy than most presidents,...