TRENTON, NJ: Chris Christie was swallowed whole by a giant python over the weekend, but managed to self-rescue for poetic comeuppance.
The former New Jersey governor was sunbathing in the backyard of his Mendham home when the 17-ft. long snake, kept illegally by a neighbor, escaped and constricted him until he passed out. It then began swallowing him head first. By the time Christie regained consciousness, he was completely engulfed.
“I couldn’t do anything with my hands, so I began to chew my way out,” said Christie. “And I’m a good chewer.”
He gnawed an airhole out of the snake’s flank. That wound, plus a bag of Atomic Fireball candies in his pocket, caused the python to regurgitate him over the course of an hour. Christie then retrieved a shovel and decapitated the snake. But he wasn’t finished with his assailant. “I was really famished by the ordeal,” he said. “And deeply offended that this huge gluttonous thing would try to eat me whole. So I took a bite out of it. Tasted just like my favorite sushi — anago eel.”
Waving off paramedics summoned by his wife, Christie finished consuming the whole python by midnight in a feast that he calls “just revenge.” President Trump tweeted praise for Christie:
“Chris Christie is amazing!! Exactly what I would have done, only maybe not so gentle. Undocumented pets attacking Americans is a bad problem. A problem that’s very bad that makes us look bad. The python is a strong animal. Very strong animal. But Chris showed the world what GUTSY Americans can do when they get mad about bad things!! We need to eat more reptiles.”