Second Coming fail: Jesus wounded by Space Force satellite

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Heeding the prayers of a Southern Baptist church worried about the new nuclear arms race, Jesus Christ expedited his return to Earth 48 hours ago — but He never made it past outer orbit.

In a blinding halo of light, Jesus had just entered the stratosphere ready to begin his spectacular descent when a classified killer satellite, operated by the new U.S. Space Force, mistook Him for an enemy missile. The satellite’s lasers bored holes through His hands and abdomen in what some grief-stricken faithful are calling “the new stigmata.” Jesus was killed instantly, but it only took him a day and a half to resurrect this time.

Jesus had communicated his plans in advance to only three men — Pope Francis, Patriarch Bartholomew I, and Rev. Willis Abernathy II, pastor of Ebenezer Lord Baptist Church in New Orleans, whose congregation’s prayers — with a 40-strong choir backed by an awesome gospel/R&B band playing New Doomsday Blues — had really impressed Jesus.

In a viral Youtube interview, the greying, heavily bandaged but still vibrant Savior tells the three guilt-wracked religious leaders that he came from star cluster Z97, one of the remotest regions of the universe, far removed from the “savagery of the inner hot-core planets,” in what we know as Heaven. He said that, despite the long haul, he is eager to head back after this latest bust. “I thought there would have been more progress with my teachings during My absence,” He said. “But I am sorely, very sorely, mistaken.” The new stigmata are expected to heal before He reaches Home.

“You are spending trillions of shekels on these Satanic fireballs while your lepers go hungry,” He continued. “Jesus H. Myself, what does it take to wake you people up — more locust plagues and beasts with seven heads flying in the red sky? You’ve only had 2000 years. I give up.”

Christian leaders and flocks worldwide are gnashing their teeth in shame and repentance, with many focusing blame on the Pentagon. “How could they have messed this one up?” cried Episcopalian minister Kathryn Jarrett . “It’s the worst case of friendly fire ever.”

Gen. Herkel Turgidson of Space Command was sorrowful but defensive: “While we weep with the rest of humanity, of course, we neither confirm nor deny that it was our satellite. It might have been Russian or atheist Chinese. But if it was ours, it was a case of insufficient development. We wanted $890 billion more for the fully spec’d models, but budget cuts nixed that. If we had just spent a little more money, Jesus Christ would not be collateral damage today. I place the blame squarely on tight-fisted congressional libtards.”

Willis Abernathy’s congregation and some Catholic parishes are adopting the Shi’ite practice of scourging their bare flesh with leather cords. “Only blood can atone this depressing sequel to the Crucifixion,” says Pope Francis. “It’s the Sin to end all Sins. Can He ever forgive us — again?”

Las Vegas oddsmakers are doubtful. They’re handicapping the prospect of a Third Coming even lower than the Second — a real light-year long shot.