RALEIGH, NC: Bernie Sanders and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez are cooling it in a Raleigh, North Carolina jail after trying to enter a Democratic Party “pre-convention” strategy powwow.
Private guards hired by the DNC arrested Sanders and Ocasio-Cortez as they arrived in the convention hotel lobby, saying they mistook the pair for a senior citizen john and Hispanic hooker. Charged with trespassing, the socialist mavericks remain incarcerated after the presiding judge, Jefferson Kelly Rodham, set their bail at a staggering $700,000. “It’s an outrage!” blasted Sanders. “We intended to introduce Medicare for all, Glass-Steagull reinstatement, and free Prilosec for all Americans with ulcers caused by Donald Trump. Now we’re hostages in the gulag for it.”
Some protesters believe the loony conspiracy theory that Hillary Clinton had pressured the judge to raise the bail while she engineers another run at the White House. But Ms. Clinton completely blew that moonbat notion out of the water: “Of course I would never do such a thing! Those two took several steps into the main corridor before completely presenting their credentials at the front desk — a clear breach of security. They could have been terrorists. I have total respect for Senator Sanders and Octopussy-Cartits — or whatever her name is — but we just can’t do end runs around security protocols. It’s too dangerous.”
The jail has been inundated with cards and letters from well-wishers — and one package from Bill Clinton that still perplexes Sen. Sanders. “It was in butcher paper cinched with several loops of sturdy rope,” he said. “Inside was a simple note — ‘We’ll take care of your families’ — wrapped around a dead fish. I’m not sure what that means, but it does make us a little nervous.”
Protesting Antifa forces have vowed to break the pair out of jail if they’re not released soon. To calm the fires, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz flew in to speak to the unruly crowd.
“Please, please, let’s not be untoward children,” said DWS. “We are doing everything we can to get Sen. Sanders and Octaroon-Juarez out as soon as possible, but have you forgotten that Sanders is only an old white cis-male? The wheels of justice turn slowly for high and low alike. I’m offering special discounted payday loans for all of you who disperse and go home right now. Only 27.5-percent interest with no —“ Pelted by a rain of projectiles, she was escorted away under heavy security.
DNC officials say the case could take months to resolve, but they would ensure that Sanders and Ocasio-Cortez are well nourished with a daily upgrade from standard jail food. But the pair vow to go on a hunger strike until they’re out and Democrats are made fully distinguishable from Republicans. Pundits say they may be able to squeeze out between the bars of their cells before that happens.