NEW YORK: A secretive surgical team at New York’s Mt. Sinai hospital announced the first successful brain transplant today. Kept under wraps until the outcome was certain, the controversial operation was performed three months ago.
The recipient, 18-yr.-old Duquante Jackson, a former star athlete at Martin Luther King High School in the Bronx, was comatose in the terminal stages of a rare form of brain cancer. The brain donor, 54-yr.-old Goldman-Sachs stockbroker Jerold Ruby, died from hypothermia after locking himself in his malfunctioning climate-controlled wine cellar.
The medical, logistical and legal conditions were perfect for the groundbreaking operation. Ruby’s will included a provision allowing for his brain to be experimentally transplanted in the event of premature death. The rest of his organs, according to the will, have not been donated but auctioned off on the international market, with all proceeds and derivatives rights recurring to Mr. Ruby in his new body.
The post-op team acknowledges that the transition has been difficult for Duquante Ruby, as he is now known. “When he first looked in the mirror, it was like that scene in The Elephant Man,” said head nurse Brenda Farquar. “He screamed, ‘Holy shit, I’m black!’ and asked for his lawyers. We calmed him down with some Barry White tunes, but then the trouble started.”
In a harrowing first outing, Duquante traveled to his old Goldman-Sachs offices, but was turned down for his old job. “It has absolutely nothing to do whatsoever, of course, with Mr. Ruby’s new race,” said Goldmach-Sachs president Lloyd Blankfein. “We had a black stockbroker in our Atlanta office very recently. But Mr. Ruby’s youthful, inexperienced appearance was simply not the image we want to convey to our clients.” He’s fared no better at other Wall Street firms.
Duquante then had trouble hailing a cab for his return to the transition house. He inadvertently flashed a bull-pit “buy” hand signal, mistaken for a gang sign by a group of passing Crips members, who severely beat him.
Adding to his woes, Ruby’s wife has filed for divorce. A confidante of Heather Ruby told the National Enquirer: “She said the sex was better, much better, but that he was underperforming financially. Some of her Junior League sisters were served by Duquante at the Starbucks where he now works. They’ve been giving her the cold shoulder ever since.”
Duquante says he is considering a lawsuit if his circumstances don’t improve soon. “All this brainpower and experience, and I’m stuck serving scones and macchiatos to rude Manhattan assholes.”
[TRIGGER WARNING!!! The following paragraph contains a totally baseless stereotype that may cause suicidal anguish in disadvantaged snowflakes!]
“On the positive side,” Duquante continued, “I can now dribble a basketball without racking my nuts.”