WASHINGTON: All citizens and residents of Russian national or ethnic origin in America will be required to wear a patch bearing the hammer-and-sickle icon of the Soviet Union, acting Homeland Security chief Kevin McAleenan announced yesterday.
“The patch will be useful in deterring meddlers in America’s vulnerable electoral process,” said Mr. McAleenan. “If you can’t identify a threat, how can you stop it? But let me be clear: in no way are we profiling. We could care less about a Russian’s pale skin tone, his gender, weight, disability, or how drunk he might be. We’re only trying to safeguard the world’s purest fountain of democracy. We must stop this scourge of election meddling once and for all.”
The patch must be at least 3” in diameter, red and gold, and clearly visible in all weather. Or a Russian may opt for a similar tattoo of at least 1.5” in diameter on his or her forehead or cheek.
While most Democrats have hailed the plan, Trump was furious, firing Mr. McAleenan at 1:30 pm today, after he first heard of the new policy. “DID NOT authorize this!” the President tweeted. “Careless Kevin went off the reservation in a total MUTINY! Now he’s gone off to sulk with John Brennan. Good riddunce! [sic]”
Unfortunately, the President stepped in his own pile again: a bureaucratic regulation stipulates that only an acting DHS Secretary can rescind a DHS policy, and now there is none.
Rachel Maddow was thrilled, but not without reservations: “Yes, yes! Way overdue, but only 3 inches? Is that really going to be visible on a Russian skulking around a power plant or in a shadowy internet cafe? At the very least, we need, like license plates, front and rear patches.”
CIA Director Gina Haspel lobbied hard for the new policy, but doesn’t believe the patches and other methods will be sufficient to keep the Russian fifth column under control. “You just can’t waterboard them and expect results,” she said. “They’re so used to cold-weather congestion and drowning in vodka, they just shrug it off. I’d like to intern them all, like the Japanese in World War II. But I suspect it may take a Final Solution to the Russian problem. We can do!”