Trump to move entire U.S. State Dept. to Jerusalem


WASHINGTON: Tthe entire U.S. State Dept. will be moved to Jerusalem, following the American-Israeli embassy’s relocation there in 2018, the Trump administration announced today.

The plan was hatched after Bibi Netanyahu offered discounted real estate (a recently bulldozed Palestinian neighborhood) and special tax and utility incentives for the new State Dept. building, to be erected by the Trump Organization in 2021. “It was a killer deal I couldn’t pass up,” said Mr. Trump. “You know what they say, location, location, location. Much, much better climate. Now all our diplomatic stuff will be more seamless and efficant [sic], saving taxpayers a lot of money.”

Responding to critics, Netanyahu promised that the move would in no way jeopardize the independence of American diplomacy: “I’m being bombarded with canards and tropes, canards and tropes, that’s all I hear, while all the world knows I bend over backward to avoid influencing American foreign policy. We’re just closer neighbors now.”

Lindsey Graham promptly invited Netanyahu to be feted at another special session of Congress. “We can’t wait for him to come back!” he said. “This time with a parade on the national mall, complete with bands, fireworks and gigantic posters of the Prime Minister.” He then tried humming the whoo-whoo tune from Jagger’s Miss You, but it fell flat.

Pastor John Hagee was ecstatic about the prospects for a different second coming: “This moves the clock closer to the prophesied End of Days. I just pray that I’m still kicking when it all goes down!”