FRANKFORT, KY: Two-time mega-lottery winner and high-school dropout Delmar Wellsbach, a former roofer and hunting guide from Kentucky, has entered the crowded race for Democratic presidential nominee. Wellsbach announced his candidacy from his new three-story mansion in Fallsburg, surrounded by a cheering throng of supporters, his new wife, Carly, beaming at his side. His nine Rottweilers frolicked through the crowd, begging for scraps of barbecued venison.
Wellsbach is not worried about his lack of political experience: “Look at Trump. No more experience than me when he ran. He ain’t doing a bad job, really, but I know I could do better. I know how to spell Prince of Wales.” He would have run as a Republican, but doesn’t think he could beat Trump in a GOP primary, whereas the Democratic field is wide open. “It’s like the Special Olympics. Anybody with two legs can run,” he says.
So what’s his platform?
“Everybody gets a 50% tax break. Don’t matter your color, creed, gender or whatever, it’s across the board. On day one, I’m outlawing these socialist home owners’ associations. If a man wants to hang his elk and moose trophies above the windows on the outside of his house, then by God that’s his Constitutional right! Every working man will get a full five days off for July 4th, with free flags and fireworks through the Post Office. And we ain’t just going to Mars if I’m elected — we’re going to land on Jupiter and Saturn too before the damn Chinese get there first!”
The crowd roared as bottle rockets launched into the clear blue sky and the Rottweilers went wild. He promises to expand Obamacare — to cover dogs. “I don’t really understand cat people, but I’m not prejudiced. So we’ll cover them couch rats, too.” He’s also got novel ideas for defense: “Since the F-35 can’t fly worth a damn, I’ll have it converted to a jet-powered ground attack vehicle with monster tires. You think the camel jockeys won’t mess their man dresses when they see that come over a sand dune?”
“Forget a wall on the Mexican border. I’ll build a 24-foot high electric fence, coast to coast, powered by a small nuclear reactor. Try climbing that with your metal ladder!”
“I’m rich now, but it ain’t really changed me none,” Wellsbach continued. “Sure, I drink IPA and George Dickel Special Reserve now instead of Keystone Light and whatever’s on sale at Wal-Mart, but I still got the soul and hemorrhoids of a hot-tar roofer. I know people’s pain. Some say I shouldn’t have divorced the old lady and married Carly here. Well Hell’s bells, look at her — she’s hotter than Melania! You want her, or Buttifag’s butthubby in the White House?”
Carly proudly waved her swollen bosom for the crowd as more fireworks exploded.
“Some say the American Dream is dead. But look at me — I ain’t dead and I am the American Dream. I played the exact same numbers for 11 years before I hit the first jackpot. And I was stone cold broke much of that time. But true grit, and faith in freedom, finally paid off. I made it happen. Together, we can all make it happen. So I’m going to kick Biden’s ass and Trump’s ass, then Iran’s ass and some Chinese ass, and we’ll all Make America the GreatEST Again! Hell yeah!”
In less than 24 hours, his viral online campaign has already raised over $1 million in small donations. Political analysts (America’s fastest growing “profession”) say Wellsbach is a long shot, but generally concede that, with the precedent of Trump, Twitter and GoFundMe, anything is possible now.