MOSCOW: The dramatic hijacking of Air Force One en route to Moscow has been resolved, enabling President Trump to spend his first full day in Russia.
After accepting Putin’s G20 invitation to visit the Russian capital, Trump surprised everyone by promptly flying out on Air Force One last Monday. But the plane made an unscheduled landing at Berlin’s Tegel airport, where USAF pilot Capt. John Brennan, Jr., a last-minute substitution, barricaded himself in the cockpit, shouting “Ich bin ein Berliner!” and refusing to take off again after sealing all the plane’s doors with automatic locks.
Capt. Brennan’s texted manifesto stated that the summit would be a disaster for America that no patriot could allow to proceed.
Berlin’s SWAT troops were poised for action, but Trump’s deal-making prowess saved the day. By phone, he arranged the sale of Air Force One to the Trump Organization, then told Capt. Brennan via the intercom: “This plane has been privatized. You’re fired!” Capt. Brennan emerged sheepishly from the cockpit and surrendered. “I’ve been trumped,” he admitted. “How could any true American resist such an appeal to our most sacred values?”
Hounded by reporters, former CIA director John Brennan has disavowed any relationship: “Son? I don’t have a son. But if I did, he’s illegitimate and I never knew him. If he’s not illegitimate, he’s an imposter. If he’s not an imposter, he’s been dead for years. For Chrissake, how much more plausible deniability do you need?”
Putin high-fived Trump at the Moscow airport, then celebrated his boss escape with an impromptu party at his nearby dacha, with fishing, judo and horseback riding on the schedule. But Trump kept snagging the hook in his hair, aggravated his bone spurs after 10 seconds of judo, then threw up all over the horse. So Putin arranged a less strenuous indoor board game.
Trump moved his knight, queen, rook and bishop in multiple zig-zagging hops each time, removing all of Putin’s pieces in a mere four moves. “You’ve won. You’re brilliant, Mr. President,” said the wily Putin. “Checks is one of my favorite games,” replied Trump. “Tell me what I don’t already know.”
Trump later stated in a press conference: “They’re saying it’s the greatest recreational performance by a leader on foreign soil in all of history. Did president Caesar ever do anything like this, with the chariots and spears? Doubtful. Really doubtful. I have a lot of doubts. But I’ve got a full week left here, so who knows what more games I could win?”