LAREDO, TX: Nancy Pelosi boldy deployed on the front lines of the immigration non-crisis this morning, personally manning a “Spark of Divinity” taco stand at the Mexican border in Laredo, Texas. Julían Castro and Beto O’Rourke worked the smoky grill as Pelosi dished out the free food to thousands of new immigrants swarming past.
“We wanted to make a statement,” said Ms. Pelosi. “To all of the huddled masses in the world yearning to breed free — the 3.4 billion poor in South America, Asia, Africa, Oceania, even Europe — it’s Black Friday in America now, every day, all day! Come one, come all! You won’t have to go through the humiliation of Ellis Island like my ancestors did — just scoot five toes across our [fingerquotes] border [/fingerquotes] and you’re home free! As we used to say in my old disadvantaged immigrant neighborhood, Benvenuto paisanos!”
Castro’s mole tamales were a big hit, but O’Rourke’s “gringacos” — corned beef and cabbage in a tortilla shell — didn’t fare so well, even with jalapeños and a zesty “Latino” sauce. Even free. Even with many very hungry people around. “We need to tweak the recipe,” he said.
Democratic consultant James Vegaville had tried to stop the stunt, tweeting “$21 trillion in debt, homeless choking our cities, robots primed to wipe out 40% of low-skilled jobs soon, nativists on the rise everywhere… maybe this is not the wisest electoral strategy? It’s become insane asylum.” After a Twitterstorm by furious college professors crucified him for “reification of white nationalist memes,” Vegaville scourged his naked back with leather cords, but it wasn’t enough contrition — he has resigned in disgrace.
The three taco-slinging Democratic amigos were exhausted by the end of the blistering hot day, as were the news crews covering the event. A CNN cameramen later swore that Mitch McConnell was in the crowd, semi-incognito in a sombrero and fake moustache: “He stuffed hundred dollar bills in our pockets and said, ’Keep the cameras rolling, fellas. This is gold.’”