Roswell shocker: dying AF officer reveals alien computer files recovered from saucer crash

198

DAYTON, OH: A terminally ill USAF officer has revealed a long sequestered find from the Roswell UFO crash in 1947: allegedly a survey report by Aliens from Zeta Reticuli—who manned the fallen craft—recovered from its PAL computer.

Lt. Col. Anthony Blaylock claims that the alien computer has been safeguarded at Wright-Patterson AF base ever since, and its files only recently translated with the NSA’s modern computer processing power. Blaylock smuggled out copies of the files on a thumb drive in 2012, which he handed over to MUFON last week. “They can’t do anything to me now,” he said from his hospice room. “I’ll probably be gone by the time this hits the news. We all deserve the truth.”

The full Alien survey document, minus appendices, below (Orphilon III is the Zetas’ name for Earth):

REPORT FROM ORPHILON III, IN THE YEAR OF OUR MASTER 900459072

We continue to be perplexed and disappointed by the Alpha Bipeds here. Our intervention with the Hairy Ones 1.3 million orbits ago may now be judged. The species has made progress, but far slower than anticipated, with many atavistic habits still practiced.

Carnivorism

Yes, they still consume the flesh of other animals, so wholly unbecoming to an “advanced” species. It is difficult to observe this without gagging. Imagine slicing a chunk out of one of our beautiful Fryndrulapods, putting it in your mouth and chewing it with pleasure! And which murdered creature would you like to gnaw on for dessert, sir? Ghastly.

Sexual Maladaptation

Much bewildering behavior. Males attempting to mate with other males, females with other females, consensual flogging, the confused 69 coupling (see photo appendix 13), and many other freakish acts. Definitely a bug in the works somewhere. But not a serious glitch, as they have bred in

Incredible Numbers

Remember how the Zooripoheedians took over Ouroboros VII so completely that they were reduced to eating themselves in the great Cannibal Apocalypse of 900348798? It’s starting to look like a sequel here.

Insatiable Consumption

Never have we witnessed such volumes of waste on any other planet. It’s as if the whole ecosphere is a gigantic factory for the production of feces and garbage. We have recorded whole new mountains made entirely of Alpha Biped effluvia, organic and inorganic (see photo appendix 19). If we are in need of another waste planet in this galaxy eventually, Orphilon III would be a good candidate, despite the pleasant scenery, as it is already quite far along.

Chronic Imbecility

They have discovered the general laws of thermodynamics and relativity, and executed some quite impressive engineering with this knowledge (their “Monster Truck Jams” are a joy to behold), but they refuse to exploit the vastly more efficient, non-polluting Zero Point Field, even though familiar with quantum mechanics and the problems of burning the remnants of archaic life for energy, not to mention the forbidden hazards of nuclear.

The Alpha males are to blame: cabals of chest-thumping gorillas busy piss-marking their private territories rather than advancing the progress of their civilization. After 5000 orbits of accumulated wisdom, only the most ignorant gain authority to guide them into one bloody debacle after another.

The average brain size of 1200cc would seem to be sufficient for this planet, but they only use a small fraction of this endowment — predominantly the most primitive regions. The neural wiring appears to be hopelessly retarded.

Conclusion: To tweak or not to tweak?

We have fed all this data to PAL, who recommends starting over from scratch with our current technology; i.e., Alpha Biped 2.0. (Main recommendations: 1. Moderate appetites; 2. Repair sex bugs; 3. Improve neural wiring and reduce the amygdala or lose it altogether, along with the appendix and male nipples. What were we thinking???).  But this would require a wholesale reduction of the current 1.0 population. Vector another large asteroid in? Possible, but not without a lot of collateral damage. We are especially fond of the puffin, platypus and chameleon (see photo appendix 37), and will be returning with several breeding pairs for the zoo on Upxilobeenth. At the end of the rotation, thinning the biped herd is a task none of us relish, and perhaps unnecessary as they are well on the road to doing it themselves.

So we will leave it to the Supreme Council to decide the course of action: intervention or non-intervention. Meanwhile, we are eager to depart and return home. The heat is becoming unbearable in our small ship — our bodies have even started perspiring again and the stench is awful.

Your faithful surveyors,
Xinrthěid Fhyiuziç XXVIII
Zpiuqøe Yydgiúdizemk
Shlikfløopā Rwiuzødlúrp, Jr.