FBI Report: Epstein strangled himself with bare hands

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NEW YORK: The FBI has released a preliminary report on the sudden death of Jeffrey Epstein in the Metropolitan Correctional Center Saturday morning, concluding that the disgraced pedophile financier took his own life.

The report comes as a profound relief to top journalists everywhere, many of whom were beginning to succumb to career-endangering paranoia and suspicion, with even the likes of Jake Tapper and Wolf Blitzer questioning how it could have happened, given Epstein’s unsuccessful suicide attempt two weeks ago, and his subsequent incarceration in a constantly surveilled Special Housing Unit cell devoid of materials or fixtures for hanging oneself.

Special Agent George Whiteveil explained that “Mr. Epstein first tried to drown himself in the toilet, but that didn’t work so he crouched behind it and furtively strangled himself with his bare hands. A difficult feat, for sure, but not impossible for someone with a strong will to die. His own fingerprints were all over his throat.”

Tapper confessed that the revelation came just in time, as the sudden Overton window stretching into the haunts of “conspiracy” had given both “Blitzer and myself terrible headaches. But the report worked better than ibuprofen. What a relief!”

The New York Times’ and Washington Post’s have published  op-eds with the identical headline: “Can We All Stop the Lunatic Conspiracy Theories Now?” Both cited CUNY poli-sci professor Cy Kobabble: “It’s more far comforting for many of us to fantasize that very wealthy, powerful elites with everything to lose would conspire to off Mr. Epstein, rather than the mundane but disturbing reality of self-inflicted harm. Given the choice between a nearly impossible suicide and a whacko conspiracy theory, Occam’s Razor absolutely dictates the former conclusion. We might even say that Mr. Epstein killed himself with Occam’s razor, which has been infallible for eight centuries. Case closed.”

Prince Andrew, Alan Dershowitz and Bill Clinton were quick to heap praise on the report, the latter gushing, “Everybody was afraid this could become another Lee Harvey Oswald-Jack Ruby thing. But once again, the sterling integrity of the FBI shines through the darkness. Hoover would be proud.”