The Great Pundit Debate: Is Bernie more Nazi or Communist?

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After Chuck Todd identified Bernie Sander’s online supporters as a “digital brownshirt brigade” and Chris Matthews compared Bernie’s surge to Hitler’s 1940 conquest of France, while James Carville and Mike Bloomberg have identified Sanders as a “Communist,” the schism in the nation’s punditocracy continues to grow around the Big Question: is Bernie more of a Nazi or a Bolshevik?

Another MSNBC pundit, George Groanblather, says Bernie is clearly in the fascist camp: “Look at his right arm, always waving around intemperately, yearning to stiffen into the fully erect phallic salute. I can see his millennial storm troopers, the Bernie Youth, and brigades of masked Antifa goons goosesteping down Pennsylvania Avenue in a non-carbon based torch-light inauguration parade. Then it’s an Enabling Act and camps for all Blue Dog Democrats who don’t toe the line. We’ve got to nip National Socialism in the bud now.”

“No, no, no!” argues FOX host Joan Blondeclone. “Put a goatee on him, and what have you got? A dead ringer for Lenin. Get ready for the United States of Venezuela. If you’ve never used newsprint for toilet paper, better get used to it — until he abolishes the whole Fourth Estate, that is, leaving us with nothing but NPR and the Muslim method. Right or left bare hand for wiping your ass? I forget. Probably left.”

That leads to the third rail advanced by AIPAC/AEI official Uri Lipbalm: “Bernie is a self-hating Jew crypto-Ayatollah burning with desire to delegitimize Israel. After six months in the Oval Office, he’ll come out of the closet with a beard down to his navel and shariah law for Sheldon Adelson and company. Chop-chop the billionaires’ hands that feed us all! It’s not global warming causing all these natural disasters, my friends. It’s because Atlas is shrugging!

But Alex Jones suggests there’s even a fourth rail: “When most politicians open their mouths, what do you see? Their top front teeth. Not with Bernie. All you see are his lower  teeth — like a piranha. Or a reptilian alien. He’s not a Manchurian Candidate — he’s an Andromedan Candidate who will suck all of our guns into a confiscatory black hole of irreversible jackboot-licking, freedom-eating tyranny. Lock’n load now, patriots!”

There may be no resolution to this debate any time soon, but one thing is certain: with the sober, sagacious minds of America’s pundits working at full throttle, all hope for saving the republic is not lost.