Air Force One tagged in LA

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After a late night stopover in LA following his return from India, Donald Trump was scheduled to fly back to D.C. this morning, but a shocking sight confronted him on the tarmac of LAX — the entire left front fuselage of Air Force One tagged with graffiti.

FAA and FBI agents quickly cordoned off the crime scene and took forensic evidence. FBI special agent Dick Thirst thinks one of many notorious LA gangs were responsible, but it’s unclear how the taggers made it past security. “It might have been an inside job,” said Thirst. “I don’t mean to profile, but I saw quite a few black and Latino faces in airport security. But to be fair, it could also have been lily-white ANTIFA radicals.”

According to LAPD gang experts, the somewhat ambiguous graffiti letters signify either “Dumb Chump” or “Pendejo” — Spanish for asshole. The president was incensed and wanted the graffiti removed before flying out, but was told that he wouldn’t make a scheduled rally in Virginia on time. So he had no choice but to cross the country with that message emblazoned on the plane.

The stunning lapse in security has made Trump a little paranoid, an aide has confided to Politico. “He has ordered a special airtight underground bunker to be built next to the White House. He wanted to call it the ‘Eagle’s Nest,’ but we pointed out the troublesome association with that name, and that eagles don’t usually burrow under ground. This is only made him madder.

“He wants a putt-putt golf course down there, in case an extended stay is necessary — like if coronavirus explodes. Then only Melania, the guy with the football, and a few servants, screened daily, will be allowed inside while he manages the whole administration by Twitter.”

Informed of the plan, Nancy Pelosi surprisingly buried the hatchet and vowed full funding from congress. “We will spare no expense for the president’s security. The bunker must be ironclad and impenetrable. With very strong locks. I will keep the keys until it is safe for the president to come out.”