Bloomberg to mail $200 checks to remaining primary voters

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NEW YORK: Following his poor delegate harvest on Super Tuesday, Michael Bloomberg will begin mailing out $200 checks next week to every registered Democratic voter in the remaining primary states, to “facilitate voter turnout.”

Sanders and Biden have denounced the payout as naked bribery, but Bloomberg campaign chairman Michael Nutter contested the charge: “Voting is a burden for many — gasoline, time off from work, babysitters, etcetera — and Mr. Bloomberg is committed to ease that burden. Recipients are under no obligation, of course, to vote for Mr. Bloomberg.”

Nutter hinted that if his boss wins the nomination, there might be an even larger disbursement for the general election. “This will cost Mr. Bloomberg a substantial part of his fortune, but his generosity knows no bounds. So recipients are urged to remember — there’s more where that came from, baby!”

Nutter also confirmed that Bloomberg is negotiating to buy CBS, CNN and ABC news: “Yes, we have determined that it would be more cost efficient to buy these news organizations and merge them with Bloomberg News rather than continue the overly expensive ad campaign. Then our campaign ads will be charged at the in-house discount rate.” But will other candidates’ ads be allowed on the purchased networks? “Of course!” said Nutter. “As long as they can afford Super Bowl rates in prime time.”

But Nutter refused to confirm rumors that Bloomberg is trying to buy up all the companies making political yard signs, buttons and bumper stickers. “This presser is over!” he huffed angrily. “I am deeply offended that anyone even thinks that Mr. Bloomberg would consider stooping to such a thing.”