DARTMOUTH: A new study by the University of Massachusetts has determined that President Trump scores far worse on intelligence and literacy than most presidents, exceeding them only in the size of his ego. Jointly conducted by the departments of History, Psychology and Zoology, the study also found that Trump’s leadership qualities are only slightly better than those of an average Alpha male baboon.
“Trump beat the baboon only due to a slight edge in literacy,” said lead researcher, Dr. Fabius Mittlerung. “On the intelligence score, there was hardly any difference. To actually see the percentile difference on a pie chart, it would have to be scaled up to the circumference of a small planetary moon.”
In a FOX news segment, Dr. Mittlerung was challenged by Kellyanne Conway: “This really is an offensive and partisan comparison, but I must point out — baboon packs adore and trust their Alpha male leaders, just as most Americans trust and adore President Trump, especially in times of crisis.”
“No,” retorted Dr. Mittlerung. “We found that in times of crisis, like an imminent threat from lions, tigers or a deadly epidemic, the Alpha male baboon was actually superior.”
“You’re beginning to sound like my husband,” sighed Ms. Conway.