Conway donnybrook: mutual assault charges filed

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WASHINGTON, D.C.: Police have taken George and Kellyanne Conway into protective custody after responding to another domestic disturbance call at the D.C. power couple’s $8 million Massachusetts Avenue Heights mansion last night. Medics treated Mr. Conway for scalp lacerations and a bruised ear. Ms. Conway was treated for a sprained knee.

The fight was recorded by the couple’s Alexa virtual assistant unit, confiscated by police for their report and leaked exclusively to the Toast. It began when Mr. Conway insisted that his wife read passages from his copy of John Bolton’s tell-all new book, The Room Where It Happened, at the dinner table. He kept sliding the book toward her, and she kept rejecting it, sliding it back.

“You can no longer defend him,” said George. “For God’s sake, even your fellow blonde, Ann Coulter, has called him, quote, ‘blithering idiot, gigantic fruitcake, lout, moron, retard, jackass’, unquote.”

“I know he’s an idiot!” said Kellyanne. “Only another idiot could not know that he’s an idiot. But he’s our idiot. And there are good idiots. Chauncey Gardiner. Forrest Gump. The Sling Blade guy. Sarah Palin. George W. Bush.”

“He’s the Titanic of idiots and he’s going to take the whole party down if we don’t jump ship!” shouted George. “Listen, then.” He started an audible version of the book over the Echo Link stereo system.

Book narrator: “He was surprised to learn that the UK was a nuclear power, and thought Finland was a part of Russia…”

“Turn it off!” shouted Kellyanne. She moved toward the Alexa/Echo unit, but George blocked her. “Turn it off!” she screamed. He turned the volume up. Kellyanne grabbed a wooden backscratcher, brandishing it menacingly. “STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!” she screamed. He cranked the volume up another notch.

She then whacked him twice on the skull and ear with the backscratcher, forcing him to retreat, and yanked the Alexa/Echo from its wires, marching into the backyard with it. She was about to toss it into the swimming pool when George, hurtling from the back door, knocked her and the electronics into the deep end of the pool, triggering the siren and flashing lights of the home security system and a chorus of barking by neighborhood dogs.

A neighbor called the police, who fished Ms. Conway out of the pool and allowed her a change of clothes before transporting them to the precinct station, where mutual assault charges were filed.

“This is the fourth time in the last two months,” said the neighbor. “The trailer park I lived in in my salad days was calmer. Why they can’t get along, like James Carville and Mary Matalin, I don’t know. But I have an uneasy feeling this is where the whole country is heading.”