Chris Christie turns tables on giant python that swallowed him

TRENTON, NJ: Chris Christie was swallowed whole by a giant python over the weekend, but managed to self-rescue for poetic comeuppance. The former New Jersey...

Scott Pruitt still stuck in LaBrea tar pit

LOS ANGELES: Recently resigned EPA chief Scott Pruitt is still marooned in the LaBrea tar pits after three days perched on the roof of...

Man’s funeral goes horribly wrong after live phone message

DAYTON, OH: A prominent local businessman’s funeral was all but canceled by a disturbing phone message during his service on Sunday. Gerald Hornfetter, owner...

Occam’s razor found, bloody as hell

LONDON: Workers repairing Guildford Castle have discovered an actual razor used by William of Occam — only not for the purposes he is widely...

Op-Ed: Build the Great Wall of America!

R. Gordon Dalrymple By nature I am not a fearful man. Once on a camping trip in Wyoming, I stared down a bobcat intent on...

Trump’s treason: pillory or the stake?

R. Gordon Dalrymple OP-ED: The Washington Toast proudly echoes the furious chorus of condemnation over our treasonous president’s recent confab with Vlad the Democracy Impaler....

Texas teacher fired for soccer torture

DALLAS: A Texas elementary school teacher has been fired after forcing her students to watch an excruciatingly dull soccer match in its entirety. Marilyn Kreggs,...

High-wire walker falls after answering phone

SAN ANTONIO: Jordon Wallenda, of the famous stunt clan the Flying Wallendas, was seriously injured yesterday after answering his phone while attempting a high-wire...

CIA identifies Putin at Democratic National Convention

WASHINGTON: The CIA has revealed bombshell proof that Vladimir Putin personally infiltrated the Democratic National Convention to destroy the candidacy of Hillary Clinton. "We...

Stoking global warming, Russia plans to win the apocalypse

WASHINGTON: A secret report by all 17 U.S. intelligence agencies concludes that Vladimir Putin has been fueling global warming to make Russia the supreme...

NSA records Trump-Kim gay summit romp

WASHINGTON: President Trump and Kim Jong Un’s recent bromance in Singapore went far deeper than the world knows, the NSA revealed today in a...

19 die in human avalanche on Everest

KATHMANDU: The annual death toll on Mt. Everest took a freakish twist yesterday after a brawl broke out in the long queue before the...

Crisis counselor fired after nearly killing Jeff Sessions

MOBILE: Attorney General Jeff Sessions came perilously close to losing his life last Sunday after calling the National Suicide Prevention Hotline for help. “Rather...

Judge approves Pentagon-NY Times-WaPost merger

WASHINGTON: After a contentious trial, a federal judge has approved the Washington Post and New York Times’ merger with the Dept. of Defense. Judge...

Hush-hush SETI signal “probably apocalyptic”

BOSTON: A maverick scientist participating in the SETI (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence) program has broken his silence about an alarming ET signal suppressed by...

JFK “Magic Bullet” missing from National Archives

WASHINGTON: A conspiracy theorist researching the JFK assassination was astounded to learn that the National Archives has lost the infamous “Magic Bullet” that wounded...

Bin Laden’s skull found in Gulf of Oman

PARIS: A French submarine repairing a sea-bed communications cable linking Oman and Pakistan stumbled upon a grisly find last week — the decayed head...

Tom Hanks on Mt. Rushmore?

LOS ANGELES: Winning two Best Actor Oscars, a slew of other awards and being cherished as one of America’s best-loved actors over the past...