Gun sales plummet with spread of coronavirus

American gun retailers, hard hit in recent years by the absence of a Democratic president threatening to curtail Second Amendment rights, were hoping presidential...

Pence: Prayer will bust the socialist coronavirus

WASHINGTON: Virus czar Mike Pence at a press conference today: “Let’s get one thing straight: the novel coronavirus is, essentially, a socialist pathogen designed...

Bloomberg to mail $200 checks to remaining primary voters

NEW YORK: Following his poor delegate harvest on Super Tuesday, Michael Bloomberg will begin mailing out $200 checks next week to every registered Democratic...

Air Force One tagged in LA

After a late night stopover in LA following his return from India, Donald Trump was scheduled to fly back to D.C. this morning, but...

Stunning UFO-in-tornado video ruined by selfie syndrome

Bryan Ferguson was traveling on the I-35 highway near Ardmore, Oklahoma when he witnessed what could have been a prize-winning video — a UFO...

The Great Pundit Debate: Is Bernie more Nazi or Communist?

After Chuck Todd identified Bernie Sander’s online supporters as a “digital brownshirt brigade” and Chris Matthews compared Bernie’s surge to Hitler’s 1940 conquest of...

Traitorous American “smart” drone defects to Iran

American defense officials are choking on crow as Iranian leaders brag that a USAF “smart” drone has defected to Iran of its own volition,...

FBI Report: Epstein strangled himself with bare hands

NEW YORK: The FBI has released a preliminary report on the sudden death of Jeffrey Epstein in the Metropolitan Correctional Center Saturday morning, concluding...

New national holiday: Dia de los Muellertos

ALBUQUERQUE, NM: The Democratic National Committee has unilaterally declared a new national holiday, Dia de los Muellertos, to be celebrated every July 24th on...

F-35 vs. 737: Who will augur in first?

Following a public spat between their CEOs, Boeing and Lockheed-Martin will face off in a marathon endurance contest billed as the American Air Derby...

Welcome to Florida!

TAMPA, FL: A 7-month-old toddler is safe tonight after nearly being swallowed by a 12-ft. alligator, but the child’s naked trans rescuer lost her...

Roswell shocker: dying AF officer reveals alien computer files recovered from...

DAYTON, OH: A terminally ill USAF officer has revealed a long sequestered find from the Roswell UFO crash in 1947: allegedly a survey report...

Bill Clinton bares all over Lolita Express trips

CHAPPAQUA, NY: Rocked by the spotlight on his 26 documented trips aboard billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein’s private “Lolita Express” jet, Bill Clinton held a...

Crisis in the Andes: the endangered Mummy Tardigrade

by Ferdinand Burton I was gasping for breath when the llama gobsmacked me again. Llamas are notorious spitters, and this one had taken a marked...

Nancy Pelosi mans taco stand on Tex-Mex border

LAREDO, TX: Nancy Pelosi boldy deployed on the front lines of the immigration non-crisis this morning, personally manning a “Spark of Divinity” taco stand...

Air Force One hijacking foiled, Trump romps in Moscow

MOSCOW: The dramatic hijacking of Air Force One en route to Moscow has been resolved, enabling President Trump to spend his first full day...

Hip-hop scandal: every song for last 5 years has used identical...

The music industry has been rocked by the revelation that 92% of hip-hop songs in the last five years have used the exact same...

I was raped by a Sasquatch, but now I’m in love

by Ferdinand Burton It was the 28th day of her ordeal — hopelessly lost in the rugged terrain of North Cascades National Park— and Cynthia...

A Glock in every classroom: Texas district’s radical FIRE Back program

by Harlin Dongbetter A school district in Texas has begun a radical new program to deter school shooters, called FIRE — Firearm Imminent Rescue and...

Lottery-winning dropout joins Dem presidential race

FRANKFORT, KY: Two-time mega-lottery winner and high-school dropout Delmar Wellsbach, a former roofer and hunting guide from Kentucky, has entered the crowded race for...

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Tearjerking melee at annual Graphic Design Awards

By Wendy Dimpleman Last weekend, I attended the annual AGAA awards (American Graphic Arts Association) in New York, where some of the nation’s best new...

All Russians in U.S. must wear hammer & sickle patch

WASHINGTON: All citizens and residents of Russian national or ethnic origin in America will be required to wear a patch bearing the hammer-and-sickle icon...

Trump to move entire U.S. State Dept. to Jerusalem

WASHINGTON: Tthe entire U.S. State Dept. will be moved to Jerusalem, following the American-Israeli embassy's relocation there in 2018, the Trump administration announced today. ...

Hacked! Melania and Stormy’s secret email chat

Anonymous has hacked an encrypted email account used by Melania Trump, who began reaching out to Stormy Daniels this past summer, including this exchange...

Pentagon’s new TEARS dept. to manage collateral damage fallout

WASHINGTON: To better manage collateral damage remediation in overseas operations, the Pentagon has created a new Tactical Empathy And Regret Service (TEARS), to be...

All 9/11 “anomalies” accounted for: Earth entered transient Black Hole

WASHINGTON: The National Institute for Standards in Truth (NIST) issued the final update of its 9/11 investigation today, announcing that all anomalies troubling 9/11...