ANTSOCIA: Radical Capitalist militants take to the streets
At a folk music festival in Brooklyn’s Prospect Park last weekend, Deirdre Carpenter was manning a Bernie Sanders campaign-sponsored voter registration table with her...
Pence: Prayer will bust the socialist coronavirus
WASHINGTON: Virus czar Mike Pence at a press conference today: “Let’s get one thing straight: the novel coronavirus is, essentially, a socialist pathogen designed...
Air Force One tagged in LA
After a late night stopover in LA following his return from India, Donald Trump was scheduled to fly back to D.C. this morning, but...
Stunning UFO-in-tornado video ruined by selfie syndrome
Bryan Ferguson was traveling on the I-35 highway near Ardmore, Oklahoma when he witnessed what could have been a prize-winning video — a UFO...
Traitorous American “smart” drone defects to Iran
American defense officials are choking on crow as Iranian leaders brag that a USAF “smart” drone has defected to Iran of its own volition,...
FBI Report: Epstein strangled himself with bare hands
NEW YORK: The FBI has released a preliminary report on the sudden death of Jeffrey Epstein in the Metropolitan Correctional Center Saturday morning, concluding...
New national holiday: Dia de los Muellertos
ALBUQUERQUE, NM: The Democratic National Committee has unilaterally declared a new national holiday, Dia de los Muellertos, to be celebrated every July 24th on...
F-35 vs. 737: Who will augur in first?
Following a public spat between their CEOs, Boeing and Lockheed-Martin will face off in a marathon endurance contest billed as the American Air Derby...
Welcome to Florida!
TAMPA, FL: A 7-month-old toddler is safe tonight after nearly being swallowed by a 12-ft. alligator, but the child’s naked trans rescuer lost her...
Roswell shocker: dying AF officer reveals alien computer files recovered from...
DAYTON, OH: A terminally ill USAF officer has revealed a long sequestered find from the Roswell UFO crash in 1947: allegedly a survey report...
Bill Clinton bares all over Lolita Express trips
CHAPPAQUA, NY: Rocked by the spotlight on his 26 documented trips aboard billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein’s private “Lolita Express” jet, Bill Clinton held a...
Crisis in the Andes: the endangered Mummy Tardigrade
by Ferdinand Burton
I was gasping for breath when the llama gobsmacked me again. Llamas are notorious spitters, and this one had taken a marked...
Nancy Pelosi mans taco stand on Tex-Mex border
LAREDO, TX: Nancy Pelosi boldy deployed on the front lines of the immigration non-crisis this morning, personally manning a “Spark of Divinity” taco stand...
Air Force One hijacking foiled, Trump romps in Moscow
MOSCOW: The dramatic hijacking of Air Force One en route to Moscow has been resolved, enabling President Trump to spend his first full day...
Hip-hop scandal: every song for last 5 years has used identical...
The music industry has been rocked by the revelation that 92% of hip-hop songs in the last five years have used the exact same...
I was raped by a Sasquatch, but now I’m in love
by Ferdinand Burton
It was the 28th day of her ordeal — hopelessly lost in the rugged terrain of North Cascades National Park— and Cynthia...
A Glock in every classroom: Texas district’s radical FIRE Back program
by Harlin Dongbetter
A school district in Texas has begun a radical new program to deter school shooters, called FIRE — Firearm Imminent Rescue and...
Tearjerking melee at annual Graphic Design Awards
By Wendy Dimpleman
Last weekend, I attended the annual AGAA awards (American Graphic Arts Association) in New York, where some of the nation’s best new...
All Russians in U.S. must wear hammer & sickle patch
WASHINGTON: All citizens and residents of Russian national or ethnic origin in America will be required to wear a patch bearing the hammer-and-sickle icon...
Hacked! Melania and Stormy’s secret email chat
Anonymous has hacked an encrypted email account used by Melania Trump, who began reaching out to Stormy Daniels this past summer, including this exchange...
Pentagon’s new TEARS dept. to manage collateral damage fallout
WASHINGTON: To better manage collateral damage remediation in overseas operations, the Pentagon has created a new Tactical Empathy And Regret Service (TEARS), to be...
All 9/11 “anomalies” accounted for: Earth entered transient Black Hole
WASHINGTON: The National Institute for Standards in Truth (NIST) issued the final update of its 9/11 investigation today, announcing that all anomalies troubling 9/11...
Hillary’s deadly 2020 campaign strategy leaked
WASHINGTON: A disgruntled staffer working on Hillary’s 2020 Campaign says “she’s definitely running again,” but he’s worried about the new campaign theme: Nuke Putin!
“She’s...
First successful brain transplant: The banker in the Bronx bro’
NEW YORK: A secretive surgical team at New York’s Mt. Sinai hospital announced the first successful brain transplant today. Kept under wraps until the...
U.S. slaps sanctions on entire world
WASHINGTON: Frustrated with the tedious, piecemeal approach to enforcing American will abroad, the House and Senate have approved a sweeping bill imposing sanctions against...
John Bolton and Max Boot hospitalized after D.C. bar fracas
WASHINGTON: After a grueling day of American Enterprise Institute sessions, John Bolton and Max Boot retired to a bar in D.C.’s Adams Morgan area...