Hip-hop scandal: every song for last 5 years has used identical...
The music industry has been rocked by the revelation that 92% of hip-hop songs in the last five years have used the exact same...
I was raped by a Sasquatch, but now I’m in love
by Ferdinand Burton
It was the 28th day of her ordeal — hopelessly lost in the rugged terrain of North Cascades National Park— and Cynthia...
A Glock in every classroom: Texas district’s radical FIRE Back program
by Harlin Dongbetter
A school district in Texas has begun a radical new program to deter school shooters, called FIRE — Firearm Imminent Rescue and...
Lottery-winning dropout joins Dem presidential race
FRANKFORT, KY: Two-time mega-lottery winner and high-school dropout Delmar Wellsbach, a former roofer and hunting guide from Kentucky, has entered the crowded race for...
Tearjerking melee at annual Graphic Design Awards
By Wendy Dimpleman
Last weekend, I attended the annual AGAA awards (American Graphic Arts Association) in New York, where some of the nation’s best new...
All Russians in U.S. must wear hammer & sickle patch
WASHINGTON: All citizens and residents of Russian national or ethnic origin in America will be required to wear a patch bearing the hammer-and-sickle icon...
Trump to move entire U.S. State Dept. to Jerusalem
WASHINGTON: Tthe entire U.S. State Dept. will be moved to Jerusalem, following the American-Israeli embassy's relocation there in 2018, the Trump administration announced today.
...
Hacked! Melania and Stormy’s secret email chat
Anonymous has hacked an encrypted email account used by Melania Trump, who began reaching out to Stormy Daniels this past summer, including this exchange...
Pentagon’s new TEARS dept. to manage collateral damage fallout
WASHINGTON: To better manage collateral damage remediation in overseas operations, the Pentagon has created a new Tactical Empathy And Regret Service (TEARS), to be...
All 9/11 “anomalies” accounted for: Earth entered transient Black Hole
WASHINGTON: The National Institute for Standards in Truth (NIST) issued the final update of its 9/11 investigation today, announcing that all anomalies troubling 9/11...
Hillary’s deadly 2020 campaign strategy leaked
WASHINGTON: A disgruntled staffer working on Hillary’s 2020 Campaign says “she’s definitely running again,” but he’s worried about the new campaign theme: Nuke Putin!
“She’s...
First successful brain transplant: The banker in the Bronx bro’
NEW YORK: A secretive surgical team at New York’s Mt. Sinai hospital announced the first successful brain transplant today. Kept under wraps until the...
U.S. slaps sanctions on entire world
WASHINGTON: Frustrated with the tedious, piecemeal approach to enforcing American will abroad, the House and Senate have approved a sweeping bill imposing sanctions against...
John Bolton and Max Boot hospitalized after D.C. bar fracas
WASHINGTON: After a grueling day of American Enterprise Institute sessions, John Bolton and Max Boot retired to a bar in D.C.’s Adams Morgan area...
Faulty F-35 jet smashes Eiffel Tower
WASHINGTON: Diplomatic shockwaves rebound after a haywire F-35 flown by the French air force crashed into the Eiffel Tower on Tuesday.
The pilot was on...
Sanders and Ocasio-Cortez on ice in Raleigh slammer
RALEIGH, NC: Bernie Sanders and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez are cooling it in a Raleigh, North Carolina jail after trying to enter a Democratic Party “pre-convention” strategy...
Second Coming fail: Jesus wounded by Space Force satellite
Heeding the prayers of a Southern Baptist church worried about the new nuclear arms race, Jesus Christ expedited his return to Earth 48 hours...
Growing Greatness: Is Trump a largemouth bass?
OP-ED: Wendy and I took off over the weekend for some fishing in Grapevine Lake. The 100+ temperatures damn near fried us in our...
Chris Christie turns tables on giant python that swallowed him
TRENTON, NJ: Chris Christie was swallowed whole by a giant python over the weekend, but managed to self-rescue for poetic comeuppance.
The former New Jersey...
Scott Pruitt still stuck in LaBrea tar pit
LOS ANGELES: Recently resigned EPA chief Scott Pruitt is still marooned in the LaBrea tar pits after three days perched on the roof of...
Man’s funeral goes horribly wrong after live phone message
DAYTON, OH: A prominent local businessman’s funeral was all but canceled by a disturbing phone message during his service on Sunday. Gerald Hornfetter, owner...
Occam’s razor found, bloody as hell
LONDON: Workers repairing Guildford Castle have discovered an actual razor used by William of Occam — only not for the purposes he is widely...
Op-Ed: Build the Great Wall of America!
R. Gordon Dalrymple
By nature I am not a fearful man. Once on a camping trip in Wyoming, I stared down a bobcat intent on...
Trump’s treason: pillory or the stake?
R. Gordon Dalrymple
OP-ED: The Washington Toast proudly echoes the furious chorus of condemnation over our treasonous president’s recent confab with Vlad the Democracy Impaler....
Texas teacher fired for soccer torture
DALLAS: A Texas elementary school teacher has been fired after forcing her students to watch an excruciatingly dull soccer match in its entirety.
Marilyn Kreggs,...
High-wire walker falls after answering phone
SAN ANTONIO: Jordon Wallenda, of the famous stunt clan the Flying Wallendas, was seriously injured yesterday after answering his phone while attempting a high-wire...
CIA identifies Putin at Democratic National Convention
WASHINGTON: The CIA has revealed bombshell proof that Vladimir Putin personally infiltrated the Democratic National Convention to destroy the candidacy of Hillary Clinton. "We...
