The Washington Toast

Anonymous has hacked an encrypted email account used by Melania Trump, who began reaching out to Stormy Daniels this past summer, including this exchange...

WASHINGTON: To better manage collateral damage remediation in overseas operations, the Pentagon has created a new Tactical Empathy And Regret Service (TEARS), to be...

WASHINGTON: The National Institute for Standards in Truth (NIST) issued the final update of its 9/11 investigation today, announcing that all anomalies troubling 9/11...

WASHINGTON: A disgruntled staffer working on Hillary’s 2020 Campaign says “she’s definitely running again,” but he’s worried about the new campaign theme: Nuke Putin! “She’s...

NEW YORK: A secretive surgical team at New York’s Mt. Sinai hospital announced the first successful brain transplant today. Kept under wraps until the...

WASHINGTON: Frustrated with the tedious, piecemeal approach to enforcing American will abroad, the House and Senate have approved a sweeping bill imposing sanctions against...

WASHINGTON: After a grueling day of American Enterprise Institute sessions, John Bolton and Max Boot retired to a bar in D.C.’s Adams Morgan area...

WASHINGTON: Diplomatic shockwaves rebound after a haywire F-35 flown by the French air force crashed into the Eiffel Tower on Tuesday. The pilot was on...

RALEIGH, NC: Bernie Sanders and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez are cooling it in a Raleigh, North Carolina jail after trying to enter a Democratic Party “pre-convention” strategy...

Heeding the prayers of a Southern Baptist church worried about the new nuclear arms race, Jesus Christ expedited his return to Earth 48 hours...

OP-ED: Wendy and I took off over the weekend for some fishing in Grapevine Lake. The 100+ temperatures damn near fried us in our...

TRENTON, NJ: Chris Christie was swallowed whole by a giant python over the weekend, but managed to self-rescue for poetic comeuppance. The former New Jersey...

LOS ANGELES: Recently resigned EPA chief Scott Pruitt is still marooned in the LaBrea tar pits after three days perched on the roof of...

DAYTON, OH: A prominent local businessman’s funeral was all but canceled by a disturbing phone message during his service on Sunday. Gerald Hornfetter, owner...

LONDON: Workers repairing Guildford Castle have discovered an actual razor used by William of Occam — only not for the purposes he is widely...

R. Gordon Dalrymple By nature I am not a fearful man. Once on a camping trip in Wyoming, I stared down a bobcat intent on...

R. Gordon Dalrymple OP-ED: The Washington Toast proudly echoes the furious chorus of condemnation over our treasonous president’s recent confab with Vlad the Democracy Impaler....

DALLAS: A Texas elementary school teacher has been fired after forcing her students to watch an excruciatingly dull soccer match in its entirety. Marilyn Kreggs,...

SAN ANTONIO: Jordon Wallenda, of the famous stunt clan the Flying Wallendas, was seriously injured yesterday after answering his phone while attempting a high-wire...

WASHINGTON: The CIA has revealed bombshell proof that Vladimir Putin personally infiltrated the Democratic National Convention to destroy the candidacy of Hillary Clinton. "We...

WASHINGTON: A secret report by all 17 U.S. intelligence agencies concludes that Vladimir Putin has been fueling global warming to make Russia the supreme...

WASHINGTON: President Trump and Kim Jong Un’s recent bromance in Singapore went far deeper than the world knows, the NSA revealed today in a...

KATHMANDU: The annual death toll on Mt. Everest took a freakish twist yesterday after a brawl broke out in the long queue before the...

MOBILE: Attorney General Jeff Sessions came perilously close to losing his life last Sunday after calling the National Suicide Prevention Hotline for help. “Rather...

WASHINGTON: After a contentious trial, a federal judge has approved the Washington Post and New York Times’ merger with the Dept. of Defense. Judge...

BOSTON: A maverick scientist participating in the SETI (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence) program has broken his silence about an alarming ET signal suppressed by...

WASHINGTON: A conspiracy theorist researching the JFK assassination was astounded to learn that the National Archives has lost the infamous “Magic Bullet” that wounded...

PARIS: A French submarine repairing a sea-bed communications cable linking Oman and Pakistan stumbled upon a grisly find last week — the decayed head...

LOS ANGELES: Winning two Best Actor Oscars, a slew of other awards and being cherished as one of America’s best-loved actors over the past...