The Washington Toast

TRENTON, NJ: Chris Christie was swallowed whole by a giant python over the weekend, but managed to self-rescue for poetic comeuppance. The former New Jersey...

LOS ANGELES: Recently resigned EPA chief Scott Pruitt is still marooned in the LaBrea tar pits after three days perched on the roof of...

DAYTON, OH: A prominent local businessman’s funeral was all but canceled by a disturbing phone message during his service on Sunday. Gerald Hornfetter, owner...

LONDON: Workers repairing Guildford Castle have discovered an actual razor used by William of Occam — only not for the purposes he is widely...

R. Gordon Dalrymple By nature I am not a fearful man. Once on a camping trip in Wyoming, I stared down a bobcat intent on...

R. Gordon Dalrymple OP-ED: The Washington Toast proudly echoes the furious chorus of condemnation over our treasonous president’s recent confab with Vlad the Democracy Impaler....

DALLAS: A Texas elementary school teacher has been fired after forcing her students to watch an excruciatingly dull soccer match in its entirety. Marilyn Kreggs,...

SAN ANTONIO: Jordon Wallenda, of the famous stunt clan the Flying Wallendas, was seriously injured yesterday after answering his phone while attempting a high-wire...

WASHINGTON: The CIA has revealed bombshell proof that Vladimir Putin personally infiltrated the Democratic National Convention to destroy the candidacy of Hillary Clinton. "We...

WASHINGTON: A secret report by all 17 U.S. intelligence agencies concludes that Vladimir Putin has been fueling global warming to make Russia the supreme...

WASHINGTON: President Trump and Kim Jong Un’s recent bromance in Singapore went far deeper than the world knows, the NSA revealed today in a...

KATHMANDU: The annual death toll on Mt. Everest took a freakish twist yesterday after a brawl broke out in the long queue before the...

MOBILE: Attorney General Jeff Sessions came perilously close to losing his life last Sunday after calling the National Suicide Prevention Hotline for help. “Rather...

WASHINGTON: After a contentious trial, a federal judge has approved the Washington Post and New York Times’ merger with the Dept. of Defense. Judge...

BOSTON: A maverick scientist participating in the SETI (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence) program has broken his silence about an alarming ET signal suppressed by...

WASHINGTON: A conspiracy theorist researching the JFK assassination was astounded to learn that the National Archives has lost the infamous “Magic Bullet” that wounded...

PARIS: A French submarine repairing a sea-bed communications cable linking Oman and Pakistan stumbled upon a grisly find last week — the decayed head...

LOS ANGELES: Winning two Best Actor Oscars, a slew of other awards and being cherished as one of America’s best-loved actors over the past...