WASHINGTON: Virus czar Mike Pence at a press conference today: “Let’s get one thing straight: the novel coronavirus is, essentially, a socialist pathogen designed to wreak havoc on our economy. It was obviously laser targeted on the stock market. Am I the only one who’s noticed that all of these viruses originate in China, the world’s largest socialist country? Is that just a coincidence? I think not.”
“The best way to combat it is not with more socialism, but with a free market regulated only by the invisible hand of God. Corona, H1N1, SARS, Swine flu — let them all compete for dominance and may the best virus win. Then we can all focus our prayers on the top dog. Now let me introduce our secret weapon — Paula White. After all, it’s not what you know — like some elitist, arugula-eating epidemiologist — but Who you know that counts. And there’s nobody better connected than Paula White.”
That’s true. Last month, the president’s “spiritual advisor” visited “the Throne Room of God” and “saw the face of God,” making her the perfect diplomat to lobby for divine intervention. After an excruciating five minutes of brow-furrowing silent prayer with the VP, she promised to take up the coronavirus issue on her next celestial visit, but could offer no guarantees.
“He’s like the chief justice of the Supreme Court,” said Ms. White. “In fact, His face looks a lot like John Roberts, only with a magnificently manicured grey beard. All His decisions are final, and He may decide to continue punishing us for our wickedness. Our best protection is to re-elect Donald Trump. I saw God’s face and he’s really, really angry now. If we elect Bernie, the locusts, plague and brimstone hail are all next.”