by R. Gordon Dalrymple
As my wife Wendy’s graphic above so pointedly communicates, the dung is about to hit the chopper blades after November 3rd, and it’s both pachyderm and donkey assholes poised above them. I try to avoid excessive scatology in my writing, but sometimes it’s fitting. It’s clear the Republic has been gripped by a bad case of constipation since the last election, and the upcoming one will force the big blowout — a real projectile shitstorm, with Trump vowing to not necessarily abide a “peaceful transfer of power” after Hillary suggesting that Biden should not concede “under any circumstances.”
And you know we are in volatile, unpredictable times when Richard Spencer, the Sieg-heil saluting alt-right leader, has signaled his disenchantment with Trump and intention to vote for Biden. He’s counterbalanced by James Howard Kunstler — author of The Long Emergency and generally of liberal mind— announcing that he will vote for Trump. Kunstler is fed up with the totalitarian tendencies of the neo-Marxist woke radicals, and he is not alone. As my dear, departed grandpappy used to say, “everybody’s flip-flopping like a live trout dropped on a hot boat ramp.”
We’ve got the brigades of Never Trumpers, Secret Trumpers, and the most astounding stat of all: Trump’s approval rating among black voters is now (September) three times higher than the percentage who voted for him in 2016, with an Atlas Intel poll indicating 28% of blacks likely to vote for the Orange Man, even after all the Black Lives Matter agitprop over the summer. WTF? How does that compute? Maybe Al Sharpton has the answer:
“To take all policing off is something a latte liberal may go for as they sit around the Hamptons discussing this as an academic problem. But people living on the ground need proper policing.”
Ah yes, the latte liberals — like actress Alyssa Milano who recently called 911 over what turned out to be a teen shooting a BB gun at squirrels on her $2.5 million estate; seven squad cars, a K9 unit and even a police chopper showed up. Before this, Milano had urged millions of her followers on Twitter to sign a petition demanding a whopping 90% defunding of the LAPD! Yes, All Cops Are Bastards (ACAB) — until you need them to save your own sweet ass.
You have to be careful with the “latte liberal” tag though; I once called Wendy that and she tossed hers in my lap while I was driving. Technically, it was an americano with cinnamon and cream, only one-quarter full and only lukewarm, otherwise I might have been sterilized before smashing into oncoming traffic. We were arguing, as I recall, over Bernie Sanders before the DNC conspired to cheat him out of the nomination a second time — I had called him a Communist, inciting Wendy to call Trump a Fascist, and it escalated from there. We soon arranged a truce, agreeing to refrain from hysterical hyperbole that polarizes with emotion while undermining reason and compromise. No, Bernie’s Scandinavian socialism is not Communism, folks. And neither is Trump’s economic nationalism equivalent to fascism, in the simpleton logic of the Antifa fanatics: Hitler was a nationalist. Trump is a nationalist. Hence Trump is a Nazi. Spencer’s and Kunstler’s take on him should confirm that. As a recent report demonstrated, the biggest loser worldwide in the 20+ years of globalism has been the American middle class — the “deplorables” in the swing states who voted for Trump, many of them former Obama voters. The Democratic party since Clinton has neglected these people — white, black, brown and yellow — and no amount of racial guilt tripping is going to make up the difference.
I finally got Wendy to recognize some good things Trump has done, which, in the era of scorched-earth political warfare, amounts to treason: killing the TPP early on; signing criminal justice reform; finally allowing the import of cheaper pharmaceuticals from Canada; renegotiating NAFTA; meeting with Kim Jon-un; arranging the Israeli-UAE-Bahrain peace deal, and maybe, perhaps, tentatively — ending the Forever Wars overseas. All things most liberals support — or used to. They quibble over the details, but Trump gets zero credit. No succor to the enemy! In turn, Wendy got me to admit that a man who said our Revolutionary War troops captured airports in the 18th century, thinks the Kansas City chiefs represented the state of Kansas in the last Super Bowl, yearns to burn coal while more of the drought-stricken West goes up in smoke every year, and spells it “Prince of Whales”… is embarrassing as hell. Yes, I too cringe at his half-literate tweets.
“And don’t forget,” insists Wendy, “that he’s been yapping about cutting Social Security benefits for years. He and his one-percenter clan don’t have to worry about retirement income. We do.”
So how will it play out after November 3rd? According to the war gaming conducted by the Transition Integrity Project — an unofficial group of Clintonistas, Never Trumpers and chickenhawk Neocons like Bill Kristol and Max Boot — Trump will refuse to concede if he loses a close election, but so will the Democrats, according to scenario #3 (a “clear” electoral college victory by Trump), fulfilling Hillary’s “under no circumstances” admonition. In either case, there will be accusations of mass voter suppression or voter fraud, thousands or millions of mail-in and late ballots challenged, lawfare cadres storming the courts while opposing activists armed with AR-15s and Molotov cocktails face off in the streets: BLM and Antifa vs. the Proud Boys and the Mongols. Portland, Oregon, aka Antifastan, will probably burn to the ground if Trump wins, legitimately or not. There could be more bullets and blood, and the new president, whoever he is, may be forced to invoke the Insurrection Act to restore order. Both sides have speculated that the military may have to intervene, which would put us squarely in Banana Republic territory.
Whatever happens, Wendy and I have vowed to keep our truce; contrary to all the hotheaded rhetoric ginning up a new civil war, whoever finally triumphs will not signify the “end of the country” or the “destruction of American democracy” — only our irrational, rash reaction could accomplish that. After 2016, we slept in separate beds for a month, barely speaking to each other over breakfast and dinner. We will strive to be more civil and respectful this time, avoiding a marital Stalingrad. We urge all true Americans to do the same.
NEWSFLASH!! Just as I’m wrapping up this column, Wendy enters with breaking news: the NY Times reports that for 10 of the 15 years before he was elected, Trump paid ZERO federal income taxes, and in 2016 and 2017 he paid only $750.
$750! Hell, after paying our tax bill in July, Wendy and I had to survive on Ramen noodles and Taco Bell for a month. Trump says it’s “fake news”? Then release your goddamn tax returns and prove it, honcho! Seven-hundred and fifty dollars! The man has lived high on the hog since the cradle; couldn’t he at least have contributed to the cost of a single cruise missile by paying in what he paid Stormy Daniels? Should a man who won’t contribute pocket change from a vast fortune to run the government… be running the government? For this moment at least, I held hands with Wendy as we both fumed:
Shame on you, Donald Trump! Shame on your rich, privileged, cheating, flabby ass!