The Oscar-winning actress and beauty/wellness maven will expand her GOOP line with WOOP for white transracials — Caucasians transitioning to African-American for now, but other racial makeovers will be offered soon.
If you feel like Rosanna Arquette — “I’m sorry I was born white and privileged. It disgusts me. And I feel so much shame.” — it’s time for a racial makeover. Woop is here to help burnish your SJW cred with a whole new level of awesome authenticity!
Skin in the Game
Revolutionary new skin dyes made from natural African pigments: baobab root extract, wildebeest hoof, rhino scrotum, and denatured Black Mamba venom mixed in botanically nourished Paltronox cream to provide the shade of your choice: Inky Ebony, Soulful Chocolate, Mellow Mulatto, or Lite Octaroon.
Luscious Lips Botox
Mahogany skin with that pouty little Kristen Stewart mouth ain’t gonna cut it if you want to pass for black and lock down that Sociology professorship. Organic botox suffused with stem cells from Madagascar Grouper and Schisandra butter will give you a full, voluptuous kisser that no man or administrator be missin’ or dissin’!
If you don’t have the hair, you’re just a minstrel show. There’s nothing to complete your makeover like a big lush bonnet of Afro hair. Kinkonizer is made with nourishing jojoba bean, ceramides and Lake Baikal caviar gel catalyzed by DNA-altering nanobots to put the rich color, sheen and kink in your mane!
Deep-fried Twerk Jerky
Girlfriend, you wanna twerk like Missy Elliot instead of a spastic little white librarian? You want a Michael Jordan or Rock Johnson in yo bed someday? Well, they don’t go for those little cracker boobies on yo butt — black men like a big pair of hip-hoppin’ pumpkins to pump. Twerk Jerky gives you the muscle and mass to really shake that booty! Made from free-range, lovingly raised Cape Buffalo, batter from holistic Hippo lard.
Deirdre from Seattle
My Woop makeover is amazing!!! I’m still working on the ebonics, but I don’t just look black— I feel black!!!
Holly C., PhD., from the Hamptons
Ohmygod, I’m African-American now and I LOVE my new identity! Woop is a life saver!
Candace from Dallas
My white fiance broke up with me, but I’m really looking forward to some of that soulful mojo in the noir boudoir, if you “feel me,” knowwhati’msayin’? Luv ya, Gwyneth!
Sandy from Sacramento
I transitioned from cis-male to zie two years ago, and from Irish to Italian last year. Now a Woop makeover is my New Year’s resolution!