Pentagon’s new TEARS dept. to manage collateral damage fallout


WASHINGTON: To better manage collateral damage remediation in overseas operations, the Pentagon has created a new Tactical Empathy And Regret Service (TEARS), to be headed by Army Captain Jiao Cheng.

Before immigrating to the U.S. three years ago, Ms. Cheng was one of Taiwan’s most popular professional mourners, in demand for funerals from coast to coast. Renowned for her tireless high-pitched wailing and copious tear production, Capt. Cheng will enhance the Department of Defense’s reputation for humanitarian concerns.

DOD spokesman Col. Don Herzbluten touts her special qualifications: “Capt. Cheng emits grief with inexhaustible sincerity, from a genuine diversity perspective. She speaks for every American soldier and citizen. The next time we or our U.S.-equipped allies mistakenly blow up a school bus, incinerate a hospital, pulverize a U.N. refugee center, or blast another wedding party to smithereens, TEARS will deploy to project the appropriate level of targeted remorse, winning hearts and minds everywhere. Make no mistake — their tears are our tears.” The Colonel encourages all soldiers or civilians with professional mourning experience to apply or enlist for the new service.

To keep up with the sometimes exhausting pace of the job, Capt. Cheng trains in Falun Gong and Jeet Kune Do while paying special attention to hydration. “In day of peak mourning, like when American bomb blow many kids to bits, I may consume 6 gallons of water and pound of salt. Throat very sore and uniform very soaked, but I never stop until whole world know U.S. military very, very full of blossoming sorrow.”