{"id":454,"date":"2018-07-18T13:32:21","date_gmt":"2018-07-18T13:32:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/?p=454"},"modified":"2020-05-06T01:46:15","modified_gmt":"2020-05-06T01:46:15","slug":"putin-spotted-at-democratic-national-convention","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/2018\/07\/18\/putin-spotted-at-democratic-national-convention\/","title":{"rendered":"CIA identifies Putin at Democratic National Convention"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong>WASHINGTON:<\/strong> The CIA has revealed bombshell proof that Vladimir Putin personally infiltrated the Democratic National Convention to destroy the candidacy of Hillary Clinton. &#8220;We crowd sourced photo analyses of the convention with our rival agencies\u201d said one CIA official, \u201cand came up with this smoking gun \u2014 Putin himself was in the crowd.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Convention attendees are still being interviewed as the investigation continues, but CIA officials advanced the prevailing theory, with \u201csky-high confidence,\u201d that while the crowd was swooning over Hillary\u2019s acceptance speech, the crafty Putin skulked to the DNC\u2019s master computer room. \u201cMasquerading as a Goldman-Sachs banker, he was able to gain unrestricted access,\u201d said one official. \u201cThere he downloaded all those incriminating emails while inserting a virus that skewed the campaign\u2019s strategy in Michigan, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania. It was an electoral Stuxnet bomb. His thumb drive is clearly visible in the photo.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hillary Clinton was ecstatic at the news, but offered tempered praise for the agencies&#8217; work: \u201cIt\u2019s about damn time they came up with the smoking gun. What took so long? I mean, why do we have 17 intelligence agencies? Maybe we need 34.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>CIA director Gina Haspel was quick to address objections: \u201cThe FSB, formerly known as the KGB, is really a shadow of its former self. Yeah, they\u2019ve got a few people who know tradecraft, more or less, a few people adept at poisoning and sticking microdots behind postage stamps, but they\u2019ve only got one James Bond they can trust for a mission like this. And that\u2019s Vladimir Putin.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So what happens from here? \u201cPutin knows that we\u2019re on to him,\u201d said Ms. Haspel, &#8220;but he\u2019s a master of disguise and you can bet he\u2019ll be back to monkeywrench future elections. But we&#8217;re ready for him. Here&#8217;s my message: &#8216;Vlad, we&#8217;ve got a hundred gallons of brackish Virginia tidewater with your name on it. Mess with our pristine elections again, and I will personally waterboard you!&#8221;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>WASHINGTON: The CIA has revealed bombshell proof that Vladimir Putin personally infiltrated the Democratic National Convention to destroy the candidacy of Hillary Clinton. &#8220;We crowd sourced photo analyses of the convention with our rival agencies\u201d said one CIA official, \u201cand came up with this smoking gun \u2014 Putin himself was in the crowd.\u201d Convention attendees [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":53,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[38],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/454"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=454"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/454\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":672,"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/454\/revisions\/672"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/53"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=454"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=454"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=454"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}