{"id":729,"date":"2018-08-16T19:12:00","date_gmt":"2018-08-16T19:12:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/?p=729"},"modified":"2019-07-08T12:19:22","modified_gmt":"2019-07-08T12:19:22","slug":"first-successful-brain-transplant-the-banker-in-the-bronx-bro","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/2018\/08\/16\/first-successful-brain-transplant-the-banker-in-the-bronx-bro\/","title":{"rendered":"First successful brain transplant: The banker in the Bronx bro\u2019"},"content":{"rendered":"

NEW YORK:<\/strong> A secretive surgical team at New York\u2019s Mt. Sinai hospital announced the first successful brain transplant today. Kept under wraps until the outcome was certain, the controversial operation was performed three months ago.<\/p>\n

The recipient, 18-yr.-old Duquante Jackson, a former star athlete at Martin Luther King High School in the Bronx, was comatose in the terminal stages of a rare form of brain cancer. The brain donor, 54-yr.-old Goldman-Sachs stockbroker Jerold Ruby, died from hypothermia after locking himself in his malfunctioning climate-controlled wine cellar.<\/p>\n

The medical, logistical and legal conditions were perfect for the groundbreaking operation. Ruby\u2019s will included a provision allowing for his brain to be experimentally transplanted in the event of premature death. The rest of his organs, according to the will, have not been donated but auctioned off on the international market, with all proceeds and derivatives rights recurring to Mr. Ruby in his new body.<\/p>\n

The post-op team acknowledges that the transition has been difficult for Duquante Ruby, as he is now known. \u201cWhen he first looked in the mirror, it was like that scene in The Elephant Man<\/em>,\u201d said head nurse Brenda Farquar. \u201cHe screamed, \u2018Holy shit, I\u2019m black!\u2019 and asked for his lawyers. We calmed him down with some Barry White tunes, but then the trouble started.\u201d<\/p>\n

In a harrowing first outing, Duquante traveled to his old Goldman-Sachs offices, but was turned down for his old job. \u201cIt has absolutely nothing to do whatsoever, of course, with Mr. Ruby\u2019s new race,\u201d said Goldmach-Sachs president Lloyd Blankfein. \u201cWe had a black stockbroker in our Atlanta office very recently. But Mr. Ruby\u2019s youthful, inexperienced appearance was simply not the image we want to convey to our clients.\u201d He’s fared no better at other Wall Street firms.<\/p>\n

Duquante then had trouble hailing a cab for his return to the transition house. He inadvertently flashed a bull-pit \u201cbuy\u201d hand signal, mistaken for a gang sign by a group of passing Crips members, who severely beat him.<\/p>\n

Adding to his woes, Ruby\u2019s wife has filed for divorce. A confidante of Heather Ruby told the National Enquirer<\/em>: \u201cShe said the sex was better, much better, but that he was underperforming financially. Some of her Junior League sisters were served by Duquante at the Starbucks where he now works. They\u2019ve been giving her the cold shoulder ever since.\u201d<\/p>\n

Duquante says he is considering a lawsuit if his circumstances don\u2019t improve soon. \u201cAll this brainpower and experience, and I\u2019m stuck serving scones and macchiatos to rude Manhattan assholes.\u201d<\/p>\n

[TRIGGER WARNING!!!<\/strong> The following paragraph contains a totally baseless stereotype that may cause suicidal anguish in disadvantaged snowflakes!]<\/p>\n

\u201cOn the positive side,\u201d Duquante continued, \u201cI can now dribble a basketball without racking my nuts.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

NEW YORK: A secretive surgical team at New York\u2019s Mt. Sinai hospital announced the first successful brain transplant today. Kept under wraps until the outcome was certain, the controversial operation was performed three months ago. The recipient, 18-yr.-old Duquante Jackson, a former star athlete at Martin Luther King High School in the Bronx, was comatose […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":730,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[171],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/729"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=729"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/729\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":743,"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/729\/revisions\/743"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/730"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=729"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=729"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewashingtontoast.net\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=729"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}