Ratcheting up the mystery of strange monoliths appearing in Utah, Romania and California recently, a fourth monolith was discovered standing in the nation’s Capitol Building last night by a clean-up crew, set squarely on the dais in the congressional chamber. Capitol security forces are stumped on how it was placed as Americans across the spectrum debate the meaning of the perplexing installation.
Alex Jones, speaking through a bullhorn to attendees at Trump’s rally in Georgia today, bellowed: “This is it, baby! The final Q drop! I’ll bet my grandaddy’s pearl-handled Colt 1911 that Michael Flynn and Special Ops patriots planted it as a signal — the Storm is here! The Storm is now! The Storm is howling mad like I am! Lock and load, the rats are scurrying down the ropes!”
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez had a somewhat different take: “Oh my god, it’s really beautiful and shining like a beacon on this chamber. I don’t know if it’s a Banksy prank or a message from, you know… out there. But the meaning is clear: we’ve forgotten that we’re still in the Age of Aquarius and we have to get back on track with the Great Reset by fully opening our minds, our hearts and our borders like a passionate young virgin community organizer yielding to Che Guevara in a steamy jungle hideout before the Monsanto bulldozers…… I’m sorry. But Che is so hot.”
Mitch McConnell also loves it: “I don’t know who put it there, but I’ve drafted a bill to leave it in place so it will be known as the McConnell Monolith. It’s in a perfect blocking position for the next four years, taking a real load off the filibuster and my voice box.”
Southern Baptist pastor Robert Jeffress believes it’s a harbinger of the End Times: “It’s very obviously the vertical plank of a modern crucifix. When the crosspiece appears, we’ll have no more than an hour before the Rapture begins. God has been so loving as to send us a final warning before the locusts, communist munchkins and flying monkeys rain down upon a Great Flood of drowning sinners thrashing and gurgling for salvation — but it will be too late then. I sent unto thee a monolith, but ye turneth thy cheeks and heedeth it not!”
UFOlogist Raphael Mendoza believes the monoliths are another message from extraterrestrial intelligence: “Like crop circles and cattle mutilations, they’re telling us ‘get your act together!’ before a killer asteroid dislodged by Nibiru the Twelfth Planet strikes in the middle of another Carrington Event triggering a cataclysmic Pole Shift with no TV or internet and the sixth Great Extinction before the survivors forge a new civilization of transgender androids in anti-gravity saucers exploring the coolest alien planets like we go to Cancun and Fiji now. C’mon, people, accept reality!”
Anthropology professor Briggs Nettleton offered a more mundane explanation: “The symbolism is unambiguous: in Kubrick’s film, the monolith inspires a quantum leap in intelligence in our hominid ancestors — and it’s about damned time for a booster shot. If congress cannot raise its IQ so as to govern the country and planet like geniuses instead of a pack of gibbering apes, we’ll all be flushed through that Stargate like glowing turds from a Fukushima sewage leak— straight to the toxic dump yard of the galaxy along with other aborted civilizations. And deservedly so. If only our governments could be managed as efficiently, as smartly, as sanely as the average college campus these days…”