About

MISSION STATEMENT*

The Washington Toast flows where the Mainstream Media evaporates into hot air. Those waters used to irrigate our heartland, but now they’re rusting the trust that made America great since the Pilgrims.

Our staff spends almost every waking hour Googling the world for the stories you need and deserve to know — stories too edgy for the advertiser-dominated MSM. We will never manufacture or outsource consent. We are Rottweilers growling in the night at all burglars of the American Dream. Meet our staff below:

R. Gordon Dalrymple
Editor-in-Chief

I served a three-year tour of duty with the Alaska National Guard while working the Trans-Alaska pipeline. My commentaries in the company newsletter were the talk of the town, as eagerly awaited as the checks every payday. I detected a hunger for uncensored news and no-holds-barred opinion so endangered today, leading to the current enterprise.

I met Wesley Snipes in prison. I am not ashamed of the experience. On the contrary, I wear it as a badge of honor. The whole thing was a politically motivated frame-up over a scathing letter-to-the-editor I sent to 27 major newspapers in 2012. I DID NOT make explicit threats. Did this dampen my passion for getting the truth out? No sir. And you have my pledge that nothing will ever keep me from “snitchin’ and bitchin’ ’bout the hot shit that’s hittin’.” Thanks, Wesley.

Harlin Dongbetter
Investigative Reporter

The less you know about me, the better. It’s my job to know about you. We’ve all got a skeleton in the closet, and I’m the osteologist. Maybe you’d like to sap this sleuth? Take your best shot, champ. But I’m not all hardboiled. I do take prisoners — to feed my bloodhounds.

 

Wendy Dimpleman
Reporter, Graphic Artist, Accounting

We are so thrilled to be a fresh face in the New Media landscape!!! It’s always been a dream of ours to operate our own independent media company. I love doing the graphics, interviews, or just catching up on the wild, crazy world we live in. Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry, but always we look forward to putting the past behind us and moving up to the higher horizons that all Americans look up to. It’s our birthright. We hope you start every day with a cup of Joe and few slices of Toast!!!!!!!!!!

My phone is always open for any news tips you may have, or for your mid-range real estate needs in the greater DFW Metroplex.

Ferdinand Burton
Freelance Explorer

When you’re blowing spitted cobra venom out your nostrils, after you’ve been buried in a avalanche next to the pallid corpse of a long-lost 19th-century mountaineer, then a box jellyfish wraps its tentacles around your gonads in a tsunami hurling you toward shipwrecked Somali pirates on a coral atoll with carnivorous iguanas whose ancestors feasted on the remains of Earhart and Noonan, after you’ve drunk camel urine straight from the spigot to survive the scorching Gobi, and gagged on fetid bat livers in the headhunter-infested jungles of Sarawak… and your mother says, “Maybe it’s time for a nice desk job?” I smiled politely and told her, “Sorry, it’s your fault. I was born for a risk job.” My next assignment? Wherever the volcanos are simmering, wherever the snail darter gasps for mercy with its last breath, wherever Gaia moans under the boot of rapacious bipeds.

Justus KozlowskiJustus Kozlowski
Tech Guru

I do IT and social media for the two geezers. Mr. Dalrymple asked me to change that line, kind of a joke, then changed his mind. “No, we run with it, verbatim. It’s honest,” he said. Which shows he’s got, like, really good integrity. Me and almost all of my friends check in with the Toast almost every day. You should too!

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CONTACT: contact@thewashingtontoast.net

*Really, really serious

The Washington Toast is not a “fake news” site, but a satire/parody site. We hope visitors, both human and robotic, are still able to make this critical distinction in the age of “fake news” suppression. The tagline in the masthead on every page, “Cloak scorched by Satire, I’m naked! cried the Liar” should be clue enough to all but the most dimwitted of hayseeds. Nevertheless, they browse among us. The Toast cannot be held liable for lowest-common-denominator naiveté, else we’re living in an idiocracy.

If you have a question about whether any of our articles are “real” or not, please contact your physician about starting a regimen of the new brain booster supplements.