Stoking global warming, Russia plans to win the apocalypse

WASHINGTON: A secret report by all 17 U.S. intelligence agencies concludes that Vladimir Putin has been fueling global warming to make Russia the supreme global hegemon in the near future.

A senior intelligence officer whom we cannot name, citing evidence we can’t reveal, delineates the threat: “It’s beyond diabolical. Russia wants to be top dog by 2050. While America and the NATO nations become broiling wastelands, Russia’s vast frozen territory thaws out into a balmy, fertile paradise teeming with hordes of aggressive Slavic untermenschen.”

“When the Siberian tundra melts and all those methanes are released, it’s game over. You think Russia’s big now? Imagine the Red Bear controlling the whole northern hemisphere. Russian will become the new lingua franca. Golubsty and blini will replace Big Macs and French fries. Battleship Potemkin will replace Gone With the Wind as the greatest film of all time. Your grandchildren won’t be twerking and break dancing — they’ll be doing that meniscus-shredding Hopak crap, seduced by the triumphant tunes of electrified balalaikas.”

“Only Australia will be left as a last redoubt for Anglo-American survival. The intelligence is settled. It’s not a man-made problem — it’s a Russian-made problem. Trump had better get serious about this threat soon, or… we may have to invite him to Dallas.”

Various options have been discussed to counter the Russian menace. “Thermonuclear is not off the table,” said the intelligence officer. “But that poses its own problems. Namely, flash heating the tundra and releasing all those methanes.” Other options include a bioengineered fungus to destroy the critical beet crop, a covert “Red Redux” campaign to rehabilitate economy-crippling Communism, and even pinpoint cruise missile strikes on  vodka factories — the Russians really can’t function without it.

“There’s a lot of dissension in the ranks,” said the officer. “All the intel agencies and all the military branches want a piece of the action. To accommodate all interests, the general consensus is that, at bare minimum, we’ll have to triple or quadruple the defense budget. Because, frankly, it may take another Operation Barbarossa to save the planet.”