WASHINGTON: The CIA has revealed bombshell proof that Vladimir Putin personally infiltrated the Democratic National Convention to destroy the candidacy of Hillary Clinton. “We crowd sourced photo analyses of the convention with our rival agencies” said one CIA official, “and came up with this smoking gun — Putin himself was in the crowd.”
Convention attendees are still being interviewed as the investigation continues, but CIA officials advanced the prevailing theory, with “sky-high confidence,” that while the crowd was swooning over Hillary’s acceptance speech, the crafty Putin skulked to the DNC’s master computer room. “Masquerading as a Goldman-Sachs banker, he was able to gain unrestricted access,” said one official. “There he downloaded all those incriminating emails while inserting a virus that skewed the campaign’s strategy in Michigan, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania. It was an electoral Stuxnet bomb. His thumb drive is clearly visible in the photo.”
Hillary Clinton was ecstatic at the news, but offered tempered praise for the agencies’ work: “It’s about damn time they came up with the smoking gun. What took so long? I mean, why do we have 17 intelligence agencies? Maybe we need 34.”
CIA director Gina Haspel was quick to address objections: “The FSB, formerly known as the KGB, is really a shadow of its former self. Yeah, they’ve got a few people who know tradecraft, more or less, a few people adept at poisoning and sticking microdots behind postage stamps, but they’ve only got one James Bond they can trust for a mission like this. And that’s Vladimir Putin.”
So what happens from here? “Putin knows that we’re on to him,” said Ms. Haspel, “but he’s a master of disguise and you can bet he’ll be back to monkeywrench future elections. But we’re ready for him. Here’s my message: ‘Vlad, we’ve got a hundred gallons of brackish Virginia tidewater with your name on it. Mess with our pristine elections again, and I will personally waterboard you!”
