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Florida Man

TAMPA, FL: A 7-month-old toddler is safe tonight after nearly being swallowed by a 12-ft. alligator, but the child’s naked trans rescuer lost her own life afterwards in a freak accident.

As Hurricane Hector closed in on the west Florida coast Monday, Charles “The Shark” Tiborinni and his wife Louella were idling in a massive traffic jam of fleeing residents on the Selmon Expressway when their car overheated in the 102-degree weather, forcing the parents to take their infant down to the waters of an adjoining canal to cool off. A lurking gator lunged out, grabbing the baby by the diaper. The father, a pro WWE wrestler, got his signature “shark lock” hold on the gator’s tail and was engaged in a do-or-die tug of war at the water’s edge when passing biker Alexandra Holland intervened.

A recently transgendered member of the Warlocks motorcycle gang, Holland was speeding on the freeway’s shoulder when she saw the struggle, laid down her Harley, and snatched the child away, leaving only a shredded diaper in the gator’s jaws. It is unknown why Holland was naked except for her boots and Warlocks vest. An attending Tampa police officer said simply, “Hey, this is Florida.”

The outraged gator then latched onto Holland’s leg. She tossed the baby to the mother just before an out-of-control city garbage truck, also speeding on the freeway’s shoulder, rolled over her.

The truck had been hijacked by Joaquin Jesus Maldonado, a La Familia Michoacána drug cartel soldier tasked with the emergency evacuation of 3000 lbs. of cocaine and meth from a leaky warehouse. With all rental trucks accounted for in the mass exodus, the garbage truck was taken to accomplish the mission. Maldonado’s blood alcohol level was 1.2 percent.

After crushing Holland, the truck flipped, spilling its load onto the banks of the canal. Dozens of motorists in the traffic jam abandoned their cars to pilfer the bounty, along with a mob of homeless campers sheltering under a nearby bridge. Fights erupted, leaving three dead by gunshot and four by overdose.

Before Tampa police could get the situation under control, 120-mph winds slammed into the scene, sucking up and scattering the bags of narcotics. Now 3000 pounds of refined coke and meth have been dispersed widely over Tampa neighborhoods.

“Gasoline on the fire,”  said weary Tampa police chief Raymond Glotter. Asked if he had ever seen anything like it before, he gave the stock answer, “Hey, this is Florida.”