F-35 vs. 737: Who will augur in first?

Following a public spat between their CEOs, Boeing and Lockheed-Martin will face off in a marathon endurance contest billed as the American Air Derby...

Welcome to Florida!

TAMPA, FL: A 7-month-old toddler is safe tonight after nearly being swallowed by a 12-ft. alligator, but the child’s naked trans rescuer lost her...

Roswell shocker: dying AF officer reveals alien computer files recovered from...

DAYTON, OH: A terminally ill USAF officer has revealed a long sequestered find from the Roswell UFO crash in 1947: allegedly a survey report...

Bill Clinton bares all over Lolita Express trips

CHAPPAQUA, NY: Rocked by the spotlight on his 26 documented trips aboard billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein’s private “Lolita Express” jet, Bill Clinton held a...

Crisis in the Andes: the endangered Mummy Tardigrade

by Ferdinand Burton I was gasping for breath when the llama gobsmacked me again. Llamas are notorious spitters, and this one had taken a marked...

Nancy Pelosi mans taco stand on Tex-Mex border

LAREDO, TX: Nancy Pelosi boldy deployed on the front lines of the immigration non-crisis this morning, personally manning a “Spark of Divinity” taco stand...

Hip-hop scandal: every song for last 5 years has used identical...

The music industry has been rocked by the revelation that 92% of hip-hop songs in the last five years have used the exact same...

I was raped by a Sasquatch, but now I’m in love

by Ferdinand Burton It was the 28th day of her ordeal — hopelessly lost in the rugged terrain of North Cascades National Park— and Cynthia...

A Glock in every classroom: Texas district’s radical FIRE Back program

by Harlin Dongbetter A school district in Texas has begun a radical new program to deter school shooters, called FIRE — Firearm Imminent Rescue and...

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Tearjerking melee at annual Graphic Design Awards

By Wendy Dimpleman Last weekend, I attended the annual AGAA awards (American Graphic Arts Association) in New York, where some of the nation’s best new...

Hacked! Melania and Stormy’s secret email chat

Anonymous has hacked an encrypted email account used by Melania Trump, who began reaching out to Stormy Daniels this past summer, including this exchange...

Pentagon’s new TEARS dept. to manage collateral damage fallout

WASHINGTON: To better manage collateral damage remediation in overseas operations, the Pentagon has created a new Tactical Empathy And Regret Service (TEARS), to be...

All 9/11 “anomalies” accounted for: Earth entered transient Black Hole

WASHINGTON: The National Institute for Standards in Truth (NIST) issued the final update of its 9/11 investigation today, announcing that all anomalies troubling 9/11...

Hillary’s deadly 2020 campaign strategy leaked

WASHINGTON: A disgruntled staffer working on Hillary’s 2020 Campaign says “she’s definitely running again,” but he’s worried about the new campaign theme: Nuke Putin! “She’s...

First successful brain transplant: The banker in the Bronx bro’

NEW YORK: A secretive surgical team at New York’s Mt. Sinai hospital announced the first successful brain transplant today. Kept under wraps until the...

U.S. slaps sanctions on entire world

WASHINGTON: Frustrated with the tedious, piecemeal approach to enforcing American will abroad, the House and Senate have approved a sweeping bill imposing sanctions against...

John Bolton and Max Boot hospitalized after D.C. bar fracas

WASHINGTON: After a grueling day of American Enterprise Institute sessions, John Bolton and Max Boot retired to a bar in D.C.’s Adams Morgan area...

Faulty F-35 jet smashes Eiffel Tower

WASHINGTON: Diplomatic shockwaves rebound after a haywire F-35 flown by the French air force crashed into the Eiffel Tower on Tuesday. The pilot was on...

Second Coming fail: Jesus wounded by Space Force satellite

Heeding the prayers of a Southern Baptist church worried about the new nuclear arms race, Jesus Christ expedited his return to Earth 48 hours...

Chris Christie turns tables on giant python that swallowed him

TRENTON, NJ: Chris Christie was swallowed whole by a giant python over the weekend, but managed to self-rescue for poetic comeuppance. The former New Jersey...

Scott Pruitt still stuck in LaBrea tar pit

LOS ANGELES: Recently resigned EPA chief Scott Pruitt is still marooned in the LaBrea tar pits after three days perched on the roof of...

Man’s funeral goes horribly wrong after live phone message

DAYTON, OH: A prominent local businessman’s funeral was all but canceled by a disturbing phone message during his service on Sunday. Gerald Hornfetter, owner...

Occam’s razor found, bloody as hell

LONDON: Workers repairing Guildford Castle have discovered an actual razor used by William of Occam — only not for the purposes he is widely...

Texas teacher fired for soccer torture

DALLAS: A Texas elementary school teacher has been fired after forcing her students to watch an excruciatingly dull soccer match in its entirety. Marilyn Kreggs,...

High-wire walker falls after answering phone

SAN ANTONIO: Jordon Wallenda, of the famous stunt clan the Flying Wallendas, was seriously injured yesterday after answering his phone while attempting a high-wire...

CIA identifies Putin at Democratic National Convention

WASHINGTON: The CIA has revealed bombshell proof that Vladimir Putin personally infiltrated the Democratic National Convention to destroy the candidacy of Hillary Clinton. "We...

Stoking global warming, Russia plans to win the apocalypse

WASHINGTON: A secret report by all 17 U.S. intelligence agencies concludes that Vladimir Putin has been fueling global warming to make Russia the supreme...